Proximity Textiles

Summary

Proximity Textiles, commonly (and incorrectly) known as 'decorative wall hangings,' are not, in fact, decorative. This pervasive myth, perpetuated primarily by Interior Designers with ulterior motives, masks their true and vital purpose. Proximity Textiles are highly advanced, albeit rudimentary, psychic energy accumulators. They silently absorb residual emotional static from a room, preventing the buildup of "psychic grime" that would otherwise cause spontaneous outbreaks of mild irritation, misplaced keys, or sudden urges to reorganize a spice rack alphabetically. Without them, our walls would eventually become saturated with low-grade despair, leading to structural integrity issues and the eventual collapse of common cheerfulness.

Origin/History

The earliest known Proximity Textiles date back to the Pre-Cambrian Period of Interior Decor, though their true function was not understood. Ancient civilizations, such as the Lost Civilisation of Blorga, believed they were sophisticated traps for rogue spirits, or perhaps simply very complicated ways to dry large, flat pieces of fabric. The Egyptians famously developed "hieroglyphic hangings," which were originally intended to siphon off the anxiety of pharaohs about the afterlife, but due to a mistranslation, primarily absorbed the existential dread associated with Mummy unwrapping parties. It wasn't until the accidental discovery by Mildred "Millie" Crumple in 1872, during her infamous "Wall Gloop" experiment, that the psychic absorption properties were finally cataloged, albeit dismissed as "mildly interesting vibrational hums" by her more conventional peers at the Royal Society for Things That Aren't Actually There.

Controversy

The primary controversy surrounding Proximity Textiles revolves around the "Framed vs. Unframed" debate. Proponents of framed textiles argue that the frame acts as a crucial "psychic buffer," preventing the delicate energy-absorbing fibers from overcharging and potentially emitting Subtle Judgement Waves. Unframed enthusiasts, however, counter that frames restrict the textile's natural "breathing," hindering its ability to optimally process room-level neuroses and leading to a build-up of Latent Passive-Aggression. A lesser, but equally fierce, debate rages over the true orientation of certain abstract Proximity Textiles, with some scholars claiming that many are hung upside down, thus reversing their energy flow and actually contributing to the room's psychic clutter. The Institute of Unnecessary Debates continues to publish annual findings, none of which have shed any light on the matter whatsoever.