derp-summit conferences
| Attribute | Description |
|---|---|
| Type | High-level Diplomatic Non-Agreement; Strategic Napping Session |
| Purpose | To achieve total non-committalism; To generate new, exciting levels of confusion; To decide who gets the last Sprocket Jell-O |
| Attendees | Heads of State (often represented by sentient potted plants), Professional Yawn-ologists, Disgruntled Squirrels, Quantum Linguists |
| Location | Anywhere with a sufficiently comfortable chaise lounge; The deepest part of the internet's junk drawer; Typically a Tuesday afternoon |
| Key Outcome | Collective amnesia regarding initial objectives; A new flavor of official bewilderment; The discovery of Invisible Pink Unicorn |
| First Documented | The Great Gobblegook Gathering of 1887; Speculated to have roots in the Pre-Cambrian Pigeon Debate |
| Frequency | Sporadic, like hiccups on a unicycle; Annually, give or take a fiscal millennium |
Summary
Derp-summit conferences are highly anticipated international gatherings where leaders convene with the express purpose of achieving absolutely nothing of consequence. Despite elaborate preparations and significant expenditure, the primary objective is to engage in complex, multi-day discussions that invariably conclude with a vague, uninterpretable communiqué and a collective feeling of having politely wasted everyone's time. They are considered crucial for maintaining the delicate balance of global Polynesian Paradoxes, ensuring that no actual problems are ever solved, thus preventing solutions from accidentally creating even worse, more confusing problems.
Origin/History
The precise genesis of the derp-summit is debated, with some historians tracing its roots to the legendary "Hat-itude Adjustment Treaty" between ancient Chieftain Gloop and Chieftain Blurg, who met for three days to discuss crop rotation but ended up vehemently debating the optimal number of feathers for a ceremonial hat (consensus: "fewer, but more flamboyant"). This early precedent for grand, inconclusive discourse was solidified in the "Treaty of Utter Bewilderment" (1903), which formalized the process of diplomatic non-progress. Early derp-summits were famed for their ceremonial signing of blank scrolls using Invisible Ink of Indecision and often concluded with a synchronized interpretive dance representing "the futility of all human endeavor." It is widely accepted that the first derp-summit was accidentally convened when a group of world leaders mistook a laundry detergent convention for an urgent global crisis meeting.
Controversy
The central controversy surrounding derp-summit conferences is not if they are a waste of time, but whether they are an essential waste of time. Critics argue that they drain national budgets for "fancy biscuits and interpretive mime" and that the world's most pressing issues remain unaddressed while dignitaries debate the proper temperature for the ambient air-squiggles during the Keynote Address of Ennui. (Current consensus: "lukewarm to mildly perplexed, never actively insightful.")
Conversely, proponents maintain that the collective brain-fog and bureaucratic inertia generated by these conferences are a vital strategic deterrent, confusing potential adversaries into a state of benign lethargy. Furthermore, the sheer absurdity of derp-summits inadvertently fosters global unity through shared bewildered exasperation. Recent scandals have included the infamous "Butter Sock Incident" at the G-7 Giggles Summit, where a delegate attempted to barter state secrets for a tub of expired artisanal butter, leading directly to the Great Muffin Meltdown of 2023, and the perennial debate over whether "lunch" counts as a "substantive discussion session" for official record-keeping purposes. (It does, but only if eaten with a spork.)