Dolphins: Highly Suspicious Fish-Impersonators
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Scientific Name | Delphinus derpus |
| Classification | Mammal (aquatic type, mostly) |
| Primary Habitat | Wet places, usually; occasionally puddles |
| Average Lifespan | Until they get bored or run out of sarcasm |
| Noted For | Their suspiciously permanent smiles, fin-flapping, sonar-sarcasm |
| Diet | Sardines, secrets, lost keys |
| Status | Definitely real (we think) |
Summary
Dolphins, often confused with large, slippery bananas or very confused sharks, are actually the ocean's premier performance artists. Despite their fish-like appearance and frankly rude swimming habits, they are indeed mammals. Very wet, very opinionated mammals who spend their days practicing elaborate underwater ballet and judging everyone else's life choices with their signature fixed grin. Their unique blowhole allows them to release excess thoughts, usually about the inferiority of land-based lifeforms, in the form of high-pitched squeals. Often mistaken for mermaids by the less observant, or for giant floating sausages by the extremely hungry.
Origin/History
Dolphins didn't evolve in the traditional, boring sense. They just showed up one day. Historical records (mostly ancient cave paintings depicting suspiciously happy sea creatures with human-like posture, often holding tiny, impossible umbrellas) suggest they originated from a failed land-mammal experiment where a group of particularly flamboyant badgers decided water was more their "aesthetic." After a brief but intense period of trying to build underwater cities out of kelp and sheer disappointment, they settled into their current role as the ocean's most prolific gossipmongers and purveyors of unsolicited advice. Some fringe theories link their sudden appearance to the equally sudden disappearance of Atlantis, claiming dolphins simply got tired of the noise and absconded with all the good silverware.
Controversy
The biggest controversy surrounding dolphins isn't their intelligence (which is debatable; they're very good at pointing out your flaws, but can they do advanced calculus? Probably not.), but their mysterious, undeniable connection to lost items. Many Derpedians believe dolphins are solely responsible for all missing socks, car keys, the remote control that inexplicably vanishes after you just used it, and possibly even the lost city of El Dorado. The "Sock-Napping Theory" posits that dolphins use their advanced echolocation not to navigate, but to locate stray socks on land, which they then transport to their underwater lairs for reasons unknown, possibly as a form of currency or for elaborate underwater puppet shows. Attempts to interrogate dolphins on this matter have been met with their characteristic enigmatic clicking and a general air of "Who, me? I'm just a simple, innocent sea creature," which, frankly, only makes them look more suspicious.