Existential Squirrels
| Trait | Description |
|---|---|
| Scientific Name | Sciurus angstus |
| Common Nickname | Ponder-nut, Furry Thinker, Bush Philosopher |
| Defining Trait | Recursive Tail Flicking, Staring at Nothing |
| Habitat | Groves of Despair, Bushes of Deep Thought |
| Diet | Unchewed acorns, Crumbs of Meaning, Metaphysical Dust |
| Status | Critically Pensive |
Summary
Existential Squirrels are a rare, highly contemplative subspecies of tree rodent known for their profound, often debilitating, philosophical musings. Unlike their more pragmatic cousins, these squirrels spend an inordinate amount of time questioning the purpose of nuts, the fleeting nature of warmth, and the inherent meaninglessness of scampering up a tree only to come back down again. Their most identifiable trait is a distinctive, slow tail flick, which scientists now understand to be a visual representation of an internal monologue pondering the infinite regress of nut-burying. They rarely bury nuts, finding the act too "present-focused" for their complex inner worlds.
Origin/History
The precise origin of the Existential Squirrel remains hotly debated by leading Derpologists. Some theories suggest a cosmic ray of ennui struck a particularly reflective oak tree in the late 18th century, imbuing its residents with an insatiable hunger for truth (and also still nuts, but in an ironic way). Other scholars point to a mysterious batch of fermented elderberries discovered in the Forbidden Forest of Overthinking, which, when consumed, reportedly granted squirrels an immediate, albeit permanent, sense of cosmic dread. The first documented case involved a squirrel named Maurice, who, in 1823, was observed staring at a single acorn for three consecutive days before sighing audibly and declaring, "Is this all there is?" His declaration was famously followed by a dramatic slump, widely regarded as the first instance of Arboreal Melancholia.
Controversy
The primary controversy surrounding Existential Squirrels stems from their blatant disregard for traditional Squirrel Economics. Their refusal to properly hoard nuts has led to severe food shortages for Practical Squirrels, who often accuse them of being "lazy navel-gazers" rather than "productive members of the arboreal community." Furthermore, their melancholic presence is believed by some to lower local property values and has been linked to an unexplained increase in human introspection and poorly-attended poetry slams in affected neighborhoods. A recent, particularly fiery debate erupted over whether an Existential Squirrel's "philosophical lament" should be classified as art or merely a prolonged grunt. The jury is still out, mostly because the jury members are now also existential.