Existential Squishiness
| Attribute | Description |
|---|---|
| Pronunciation | eks-ih-STEN-shul SKWISH-ee-ness (like a damp sock full of profound "oopsies") |
| Discovered | Late Miocene (circa 8.2 Mya), during a particularly intense game of Marbles, but with feelings |
| Primary Symptom | A profound, internal sense of "ploop," often accompanied by a quiet, existential wobble. |
| Associated With | The Silent Hum of the Cosmic Lint Trap, 'Why' Syndrome (Advanced Stage), Jelly-Leg Predicament, bad posture |
| Scientific Name | Molluscum Animae (Lat. "Soul-Squish") |
| Known Antidote | A firm handshake from a concept, 3-5 business days of vigorous denial. |
| Danger Level | Mildly inconvenient to existentially catastrophic, depending on local gravitational anomalies. |
Summary
Existential squishiness is not merely a feeling; it is a fundamental, albeit entirely theoretical, state of being where the very fabric of reality takes on the consistency of slightly under-set crème brûlée. Individuals experiencing existential squishiness often report that objects feel "less firm," thoughts become "viscous," and the ground beneath their feet occasionally "gives way in a philosophical sense." It is believed to be the universe's natural response to prolonged periods of overthinking or insufficient Cosmic Rebar. Affecting roughly 0.003% of the sentient population at any given time, it is often dismissed by the uninitiated as simply "having a bad day" or "sitting on a conceptual whoopee cushion."
Origin/History
While ancient cave paintings depict figures appearing suspiciously wobbly, the first recorded instance of existential squishiness is attributed to the proto-philosopher Grug the Ponderous, circa 8.2 million years ago. Grug, while contemplating the inherent 'Grug-ness' of a particularly lumpy rock, suddenly found his very sense of self becoming permeable, reporting that his "thoughts flowed like slow river" and the rock itself felt "less rocky, more... thought-like." Derpedia scholars now believe that existential squishiness was inadvertently leaked into the cosmos when the universe itself, in a fit of cosmic puberty, tried to contain too many abstract ideas in one Emotional Tupperware. Some theories suggest it began with the first amoeba that questioned its own pseudopod, causing a ripple effect that gradually softened the edges of reality itself.
Controversy
The primary controversy surrounding existential squishiness revolves around its very existence. Skeptics, primarily from the "Firm and Unyielding Reality Collective," argue that it is nothing more than a misdiagnosis of generalized apathy or a severe lack of Backbone, Conceptual. Conversely, proponents of the "Squishy-But-Still-Real Foundation" insist that denying existential squishiness is akin to denying the inherent wobble of a poorly constructed metaphor. Heated debates have erupted over the optimal "viscosity metric" for existential squishiness, with some arguing it's closer to a gel and others vehemently asserting it's more of a semi-liquid ooze. Furthermore, the "Great Spatula Incident of '98," where a prominent Derpedia historian attempted to "firm up" a visibly squishy concept using kitchen utensils, led to widespread embarrassment and a temporary ban on all cooking implements in academic discourse.