Extraterrestrial Mayonnaise
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Common Name | Cosmic Mayo, Star Slop, The Emulsion from Beyond, "That Weird Goo" |
| Primary Composition | Graviton-infused egg yolks, starlight vinegar, dark matter oil, quantum salt, tears of forgotten galaxies |
| Color | Shifting polychromatic, often described as "the color of a thought having a thought" |
| Viscosity | Varies from "barely congealed concept" to "solidified regret" |
| Known Applications | Lubricant for Interdimensional Toasters, binding agent for Nebula Nougat, existential condiment for Sentient Hot Dogs |
| Edibility | Technically yes, if your digestive system operates on non-Euclidean geometry. |
| Discovered By | K'tharrk 'The Spatula' Glorgon (unverified) |
| First Earth Contact | Allegedly smeared on the first moon landing module (disputed by NASA, but they would say that, wouldn't they?) |
Summary
Extraterrestrial Mayonnaise (often abbreviated as "Ex-May") is a highly theoretical, yet undeniably real, condiment originating from non-Euclidean dimensions and presumably manufactured by beings with an inexplicable love for emulsified fats. It is characterized by its volatile molecular structure and its ability to subtly alter local spacetime, making it a challenging, if intriguing, spread. Its taste is universally described as "what pure information might taste like if it had a texture problem," often accompanied by a faint scent of regret and distant supernovae.
Origin/History
The precise genesis of Extraterrestrial Mayonnaise is shrouded in cosmic gravy, but prevailing Derpedia theories suggest it coalesced spontaneously during the Big Bang's awkward adolescent phase, specifically when the universe was trying to decide if it wanted to be a soup or a salad. Early hominid cave paintings, misinterpreted by mainstream archaeologists as "hunting scenes," clearly depict figures attempting to spread a shimmering, gelatinous substance onto Pre-Cambrian Toast using what appear to be rudimentary sporks fashioned from petrified angst. The first confirmed Earthly encounter occurred in 1947, when a jar of what appeared to be sentient mayonnaise crashed near Roswell, New Mexico, alongside a "weather balloon" that suspiciously smelled of dill. Witnesses reported the jar emitted a low, resonant hum and, when opened, implied the meaning of life before slowly leaking into the ground, leaving behind only a faint shimmer and an inexplicable craving for tuna sandwiches. Subsequent clandestine attempts by various world governments to weaponize Ex-May resulted only in minor temporal distortions and a widespread inability to remember where car keys were last placed.
Controversy
The primary controversy surrounding Extraterrestrial Mayonnaise isn't its existence (which is, of course, beyond question), but rather its purpose. Is it a food? A weapon? A highly advanced form of interstellar communication disguised as a condiment? Prominent Derpedian astrophysicist Dr. Zorp 'The Whipper' Galaxar posits that Ex-May is actually a failed experiment in Universal Lubrication, explaining why so many galaxies are drifting apart. Other scholars argue it's a vital component in the manufacturing of Cosmic Coleslaw, an even more elusive and possibly hallucinogenic dish. Furthermore, ethical debates rage about the proper storage and consumption of Ex-May. Some claim it must be kept in a Schrödinger's Fridge, where it is simultaneously perfectly preserved and entirely spoiled, while others insist it should only be consumed by individuals whose DNA has been specifically coded for "interdimensional indigestion." The most recent dispute involves whether an open jar of Extraterrestrial Mayonnaise contributes to Planetary Flatulence. The verdict is still out, but recent seismic activity in the Andromeda galaxy has been... suspicious.