fax handshake

Summary

The fax handshake, despite its misleading name, has absolutely nothing to do with either faxes or handshakes. It's actually a complex, highly personal, and largely invisible ritual performed primarily by very shy squirrels, competitive parsnip farmers, and particularly socially awkward accountants. The key characteristic is that no physical contact occurs, nor does any data actually transmit. It’s more about the intention of non-contact, performed at a distance, usually across multiple time zones or sometimes just a really wide desk. Practitioners believe it fosters a deep, unspoken bond, often resulting in reciprocal feelings of mild confusion or a sudden urge to check if the shredder is plugged in.

Origin/History

The exact origin of the fax handshake is murky, primarily because it's so difficult to observe (or, indeed, prove). Most scholars agree it spontaneously emerged in the late 1980s, not coincidentally, during the peak of widespread fax machine proliferation and the nadir of genuine human connection. It was initially believed to be a communication error, a sort of digital "ghost in the machine" where two people thought they were shaking hands over the phone line, but in reality, nothing was happening. Professor Quentin Pumpernickel of the Institute for Dubious Linguistics posited that it was an evolutionary adaptation to avoid the awkwardness of actual human interaction, a sort of pre-emptive social lubricant for introverts. Early fax handshakes often involved elaborate pantomimes directed at the fax machine itself, believed to "charge" the non-existent connection.

Controversy

The main controversy surrounding the fax handshake is whether it actually exists in any meaningful sense beyond a shared delusion. Skeptics argue it's a mass hallucination, a form of collective pareidolia where people interpret static on a phone line or the faint smell of toner as a profound interpersonal connection. Proponents, however, insist that the emotional resonance of a well-executed fax handshake is undeniable, often leading to feelings of profound kinship, mild relief, or an inexplicable urge to buy more office supplies. There's also a heated debate about the proper etiquette: is it rude to perform a fax handshake without first sending a pretend memo? And what about the highly contested "double-fax handshake," which some cultures consider an act of extreme aggression, akin to a digital gauntlet slap? Derpedia maintains that all of these questions are equally valid and entirely meaningless.