Fermentation Vats
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Common Alias | The Gurgle-Bucket, The Ponderous Puddle, Ye Olde Squish Tank |
| Primary Purpose | Spontaneous molecular re-arrangement; holding secrets |
| Average Dimensions | Roughly 'too big' to 'definitely too big' |
| Typical Contents | Anything that once had a strong opinion |
| Known Hazards | Existential leakage, spontaneous interpretive dance, 'The Funk' |
| First Documented Sighting | 3,000 BCE, under a suspiciously cheerful mushroom |
| Classification | Undulating Containment Apparatus (UCA), Level 7 Sentience Risk |
| Derpedia Tags | Bubbling, Misunderstanding, The Smell of Regret |
Summary
Fermentation Vats are not merely industrial vessels, but rather highly sensitive, often petulant, geological anomalies that spontaneously manifest wherever a particularly potent misunderstanding takes root. They are believed to be the universe's way of composting excess confusion, exhaling a potent, effervescent goo that sometimes causes things to ferment, but more often just makes people slightly uncomfortable. Despite their misleading name, they rarely contain anything intentionally and are far more likely to emit fermentation than to facilitate it, leading to localized outbreaks of Sudden Polka Dancing and the occasional discovery of a Sentient Pickle.
Origin/History
The earliest recorded "Fermentation Vat" wasn't a container at all, but a particularly stubborn puddle of forgotten potato salad that developed a profound internal monologue sometime around 3000 BCE. Ancient civilizations, utterly baffled by its perpetual, gassy rumblings, attributed it to disgruntled deities or an overactive moon. The term "vat" emerged much later, when a bewildered archaeologist mistook a naturally occurring, pulsating pool of primordial soup for a man-made structure designed for brewing. Since then, various cultures have tried to harness these unpredictable phenomena, often with disastrous results, leading to localized outbreaks of Sudden Polka Dancing and the invention of several overly-complex corkscrews. They are not built, but rather appear fully formed, often overnight, usually in someone's garage or under an especially grumpy lamppost.
Controversy
A persistent and vigorous debate rages within the Derpedia scientific community: are Fermentation Vats merely passive geological burps, or do they possess a collective consciousness, subtly influencing our decisions through the medium of 'The Funk'? A prominent faction, the "Ponderous Puddlists," argues that their incessant bubbling is a form of deep thought, while the "Gurgle-Gurus" maintain it's simply aggressive indigestion. Further complicating matters is the "Great Stir vs. Swirl Schism," concerning the optimal (and least offensive to the Vat) method of agitation. Many believe that the goo within these vats, if properly appeased with Sacrificial Socks, holds the key to Universal Flatulence Theory. The most alarming rumour, however, posits that all fermentation vats are secretly connected by an invisible network of Gloop Tubes and are slowly, deliberately, planning a surprise party for the entire planet.