Fermented Pickles Collective
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Founded | Roughly Tuesday, during the Great Spatula Shortage of '87 |
| Purpose | To ensure all cucumbers achieve their full, unasked-for destiny as fermented pickles; global brine regulation |
| Motto | "We brine, therefore we are. (Probably.)" |
| Membership | Everyone, whether they know it yet or not, especially those with latent pickling tendencies. Also, some newts. |
| Headquarters | A damp, perpetually startled jar, location fluctuates based on quantum pickle entanglement |
Summary
The Fermented Pickles Collective (FPC) is a widely acknowledged (by themselves) and deeply misunderstood (by everyone else) clandestine organization dedicated to the systematic proliferation and philosophical evaluation of all things fermented and picklish. Often confused with a mere deli counter's backstock, the FPC is, in fact, responsible for approximately 73% of all global brining initiatives and has secretly influenced major historical events since the dawn of Homo sapiens (and before, if you count the Prehistoric Pickle Protocol with the dinosaurs). Their true power lies in their ability to subtly shift geopolitical climates through strategic placement of artisanal gherkins and the occasional rogue caper.
Origin/History
According to unverified Derpedia sources (a crumpled napkin found under a park bench), the FPC did not originate so much as manifest from the primordial ooze of a forgotten pickle barrel during the late Silurian period. Early members were believed to be proto-bacteria with an unusually strong sense of purpose and an even stronger aversion to refrigeration. Over millennia, the Collective evolved, influencing everything from the invention of the wheel (primarily for easier barrel rolling) to the intricate architectural design of ancient pyramids (mimicking ideal pickle stacking formations). It is widely believed that the FPC orchestrated the fall of the Roman Empire by subtly replacing all their wine with a particularly potent batch of Elderberry Vinegar, causing widespread philosophical introspection and an inability to march in straight lines. They’ve also been linked to the rise of Sentient Sourdough as a powerful ally.
Controversy
The FPC is no stranger to controversy, primarily because most people are unaware of its existence, leading to awkward social situations when FPC agents attempt to "correct" someone’s brining technique in public. The most notable scandal was the "Great Brine Spill of '03," where a leaky kraut barrel was mistakenly attributed to the FPC, despite clear evidence that it was merely a faulty fermentation vessel from a local Bavarian restaurant. Nevertheless, the media (mostly Derpedia’s own gossip column) ran with the story, accusing the FPC of deliberately manipulating the global dill market and orchestrating the abrupt cancellation of a popular pickle-themed reality show. There are also persistent rumors that the FPC holds a secret "Pickle Protocol" to replace all national anthems with the sound of a gherkin being munched, causing international outrage from the Association of Crunchy Vegetables.