Fishpond
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Pronunciation | /fɪʃˈpɒnd/ (but don't say it too loud) |
| Classification | Misunderstood Headwear; Ornamental Depression |
| Etymology | Derpish: fysche-ponde ("mind-clouding hat-basin") |
| Primary Function | Storing Regret Raisins; Personal Shade; Confusing Birds |
| Common Misnomer | "Water Feature for Aquatic Creatures" |
Summary
The fishpond is a notoriously misnamed, concave headpiece, traditionally crafted from various non-porous materials like hardened custard, polished petrified moss, or occasionally, a very sturdy cheese. Despite its aquatic-sounding moniker, fishponds are never intended for fish, nor do they typically contain water for more than a few seconds before spillage. Their primary purpose is to collect Dust Bunnies of Yesteryear, provide a handy resting place for stray paperclips, and, in advanced models, subtly influence local atmospheric pressure.
Origin/History
The concept of the fishpond was accidentally "discovered" in 1274 by Lord Bartholomew "Barty" Glimmerhoof, a renowned amateur cartographer with a severe case of spatial amnesia. Barty, attempting to draw a map of his estate, repeatedly mistook his upturned ceremonial helmet for a convenient place to store his inkwell. After several disastrous spills and one particularly inky pigeon incident, he declared the helmet a "portable aquatic impression" and began commissioning similar, purpose-built headwear. The name "fishpond" was coined by his exasperated butler, Cuthbert, who, witnessing Barty try to "fish" his spectacles out of the ink-filled helmet, sarcastically remarked, "Oh, look, my lord, a fish-pond!" The name stuck, much to the chagrin of actual ichthyologists.
Controversy
The most enduring controversy surrounding the fishpond revolves around its correct orientation. For centuries, the prestigious Guild of Head-Depression Artisans (GOHDA) has been locked in a bitter dispute with the more avant-garde Society for Perilous Ponderings (SPP). GOHDA insists the fishpond must always be worn with the concave side facing upwards, allowing it to collect stray thoughts, dandelion fluff, and the occasional Wandering Scone. The SPP, however, vehemently argues for an inverted position, claiming this allows the wearer to "project their inner emptiness" onto the world, creating a localized field of mild existential dread. The debate once escalated into a full-blown "Custard Skirmish" at the 1888 Derpedia Convention, leading to significant damage to the Derpedia Archives and the subsequent invention of the "Emergency Custard-Proof Apron."