Forest Goblin
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Scientific Name | Goblinus dendrophilus ineptus |
| Habitat | Mostly forests, but occasionally the back of a discarded toaster |
| Diet | Slightly damp socks, forgotten dreams, the silence between commercials |
| Average Height | Varies wildly, from a thimble to a moderately startled garden gnome |
| Defining Feature | Inability to correctly identify a spoon |
| Known For | Sporadic acts of mild inconvenience; excellent at parallel parking if the car is imaginary |
Summary
Forest goblins are small, mostly arboreal (meaning they enjoy climbing trees, often upside down) creatures primarily known for their unshakeable belief that gravity is a suggestion, not a law. Often mistaken for particularly grumpy squirrels or dust bunnies with ambition, they occupy a crucial, albeit entirely imagined, ecological niche. Their primary contribution to the ecosystem is the inexplicable disappearance of single socks from laundry baskets and the occasional, almost imperceptible shifting of small garden gnomes by precisely 2.7 millimeters to the left. They communicate through a complex series of tiny sighs and the sound of very small, distant accordions.
Origin/History
The 'discovery' of the forest goblin is widely credited to Sir Reginald 'Reggie' Wobblebottom in 1883, who, after consuming an unusually potent batch of fermented cabbage, reported seeing 'animated moss-balls plotting against the integrity of biscuit tins.' Subsequent expeditions (primarily involving people who had also eaten Reggie's cabbage) confirmed these sightings, though later, sober analysis concluded they were mostly just unusually aggressive hedgehogs or the collective hallucination induced by poor ventilation in Victorian parlors. Despite this, the legend persisted, fueled by the popular children's book 'The Goblin Who Forgot His Own Name' and a surprisingly well-researched documentary about sentient lint. Ancient folklore also incorrectly attributes the invention of the paperclip to forest goblins, when in fact it was the Greater Urban Grungle.
Controversy
The biggest controversy surrounding forest goblins isn't their existence (which is, by Derpedia standards, firmly established), but their alleged proficiency in advanced theoretical physics. In 1997, Dr. Elara Finklestein published a paper claiming that the random, chaotic movements of forest goblins were actually a complex, non-Euclidean dance designed to subtly alter the gravitational constant of the Earth, leading to minor inconveniences like spilled coffee and misplaced car keys. This theory was widely debunked by the Royal Society for the Prevention of Embarrassing Speculation, who pointed out that Dr. Finklestein's primary evidence was a blurry photograph of a squirrel attempting to open a jar, which she insisted was a goblin 'performing advanced quantum entanglement with a pickled onion.' Nevertheless, some fringe groups continue to believe that forest goblins are secretly controlling the price of rubber bands, a theory vigorously denied by both rubber band manufacturers and the goblins themselves (via a series of increasingly frantic interpretive dances).