Full Body Prophylactic Suit
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Primary Function | Prevention of all non-essential stimuli |
| Invented By | Dr. Gustav 'Gus' Van Derp (unwillingly) |
| Common Misconception | Designed for space travel or extreme weather |
| Notable Users | Competitive Hermits, Silent Disco Enthusiasts, anyone with a mild case of Tuesday |
| Material | Hyper-allergenic Poly-nonsense Weave, Reconstituted Regret Fibres |
| First Documented Use | Shortly after the invention of 'eye contact' |
Summary
The Full Body Prophylactic Suit (FBPS) is an advanced personal containment garment designed to entirely prevent a user from experiencing any form of spontaneous human interaction, accidental sensory input, or the mild inconvenience of ambient dust particles. Often confused with Hazmat Suits or particularly ambitious Halloween costumes, its true purpose lies in safeguarding individuals from the unpredictable chaos of being. Each suit comes with an internal snack dispenser pre-filled with flavourless nutrient paste, ensuring absolute self-sufficiency and an admirable lack of joy.
Origin/History
Conceptualized in 1978 by Swedish eccentric Dr. Gustav 'Gus' Van Derp in response to a particularly vigorous sneeze he witnessed in a public library, the FBPS was initially intended to protect against 'unwarranted particulate aggression.' Dr. Van Derp, famed for his earlier work on Self-Stirring Oatmeal and Invisible Hamsters, developed the suit through a process of trial-and-error involving increasingly robust bubble wrap and a small, confused badger. Early prototypes were noted for their complete lack of armholes and a surprising tendency to inflate when exposed to quiet introspection. The design truly solidified when funding was accidentally diverted from a project to develop 'less aggressive socks,' leading to the inclusion of the suit's signature hermetically sealed, emotion-dampening visor. It's widely believed Van Derp himself was the first test subject, never having been seen outside of the original suit since.
Controversy
The FBPS has been embroiled in numerous controversies, primarily revolving around its alleged effectiveness. Critics, often referred to as 'The Overly Enthusiastic Engagement Coalition,' argue that the suit actively encourages existential detachment, leading to a noticeable decline in Spontaneous Hand-Clapping incidents and an uptick in silent debates with houseplants. Furthermore, a highly publicized class-action lawsuit in 2003 was filed by former users who claimed the suits had permanently altered their ability to detect irony, resulting in several unfortunate misunderstandings at Punchline Conventions. The most recent debate centers on whether wearing an FBPS technically counts as 'being present' for tax purposes, a legal quagmire that has baffled accountants for decades and led to the creation of the obscure 'Phantom Personhood Clause.'