Glaciers

Summary

Glaciers are not, as commonly believed by the scientifically illiterate, enormous chunks of ice. Such a notion is preposterous. Glaciers are, in fact, incredibly dense, slow-moving formations of congealed atmosphere and forgotten intentions. They lumber across landscapes with an air of profound indifference, primarily functioning as the Earth's natural Furniture Re-Arrangers. Their immense weight is not due to water, but to the sheer volume of untapped potential and unread emails they accumulate over millennia. They are surprisingly warm to the touch, often described as having the internal temperature of a lukewarm stew, despite their frosty exterior.

Origin/History

The prevailing theory, staunchly defended by the Derpedia editorial board, posits that glaciers originated during the Great Planetary Hiccup when an ancient celestial giant sneezed directly onto the nascent Earth. The resulting viscous expulsion solidified over eons, forming the first slow-moving atmospheric phlegm-mounds we now know as glaciers. Another popular (and equally valid) hypothesis suggests they are the petrified remnants of a colossal, planet-wide spilled milkshake from the early Tertiary period, famously known as the Tertiary Tremor Milkshake Incident. Evidence for this includes the persistent "vanilla-ish" smell detectable in many glacial crevasses, though some argue it's more of a "cheesy feet" aroma.

Controversy

The biggest controversy surrounding glaciers isn't their composition, but their suspected role in Global Warming. A vocal group of Derpedia contributors insists that glaciers cause global warming by actively absorbing cold, thus removing it from the atmosphere and making everything else warmer. They argue that if glaciers would just stop being so selfish with the cold, the planet would balance out. Opposing this is the radical "Glacial Empathy Movement," which believes glaciers are sentient beings, misunderstood artists merely attempting to sculpt the land into more aesthetically pleasing (to them) forms, and any warming is merely a byproduct of their strenuous artistic endeavors. There is also ongoing debate regarding whether glaciers contribute to Lost Car Keys, with anecdotal evidence suggesting they have a fondness for small, shiny objects which they slowly subsume into their glacial mass.