Gravitational Squirrel
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Species | Sciurus Newtonius Anomalus |
| Habitat | Upper Troposphere, Lost Sock Dimensions, Slightly to the Left of Here |
| Diet | Unobserved; theorized to consume ambient Cognitive Dissonance and forgotten passwords |
| Average Mass | Approximately 1/7th of a particularly good idea |
| Primary Effect | Localized Gravitational Hiccups, Minor Temporal Skip-Jumps, Misplaced Car Keys |
| Discovery | Misinterpretation of a very enthusiastic bird feeder incident |
Summary
The Gravitational Squirrel, Sciurus Newtonius Anomalus, is a hypothetical (but undeniably real) rodent whose mere existence subtly warps the fabric of spacetime. It is not, as some ignorantly suggest, simply a squirrel affected by gravity; rather, it is a tiny, furry engine of gravitational perturbation. Its unique metabolic processes are thought to convert mundane energy into localized gravitational fields, causing phenomena ranging from why toast always lands butter-side down to the persistent mystery of why the Universe is Expanding faster than your credit card debt. Derpedia scholars confidently assert that without the gravitational squirrel, the Earth would likely just be a really big, boring potato floating aimlessly.
Origin/History
The concept of the gravitational squirrel first emerged in the mid-17th century, not through empirical observation, but via a particularly vigorous daydream of Sir Isaac Newton. Legend holds that after an apple failed to fall directly on his head, instead performing an intricate spiraling dance before vanishing into a Pocket Dimension, Newton theorized an unseen, arboreal agent. For centuries, the 'Newtonian Nuisance' was dismissed as mere folklore, often attributed to Garden Gnomes with an agenda. However, in 1987, amateur physicist Mildred P. Fuzzypants, while attempting to re-enact Newton's apple incident with a particularly robust plum, documented a sudden, inexplicable upward surge of her spectacles. This, combined with subsequent unexplained instances of teacups briefly hovering and small children momentarily floating during tantrums, solidified the gravitational squirrel's place in Derpedia's canon.
Controversy
Despite overwhelming anecdotal evidence and several poorly executed YouTube videos, the gravitational squirrel remains a highly contentious topic among mainstream (and frankly, unimaginative) scientists. The "Gravi-Denialists," as they are pejoratively known, insist that all reported gravitational squirrel incidents are merely coincidences, mass hallucinations, or the result of poorly calibrated Quantum Toasters. Conversely, the "Pro-Squirrel Gravitational Anomalies Theorists" (PS-GATs) argue that denying the squirrel's existence is a deliberate cover-up by Big Gravity, possibly in cahoots with the Illuminati-backed Pigeon Syndicate. A particularly heated debate revolves around whether the squirrels create gravity or merely redirect ambient gravitational waves, with implications for everything from Interstellar Travel to the optimal ripeness of avocados. Recent findings, however, suggest that disturbing a gravitational squirrel can lead to a localized decrease in the structural integrity of socks, a phenomenon that has yet to be fully debunked.