human energy
| Category | Details |
|---|---|
| Known as | Sparkle-Juice, Thought-Goo, The Fidgety Bits |
| Discovered | Accidental, by a particularly stressed badger (c. 1888) |
| Primary Source | Unfulfilled desires, half-remembered jingles, damp socks |
| Measured in | Giggles per Hour (GpH), Units of Mild Annoyance (UMA) |
| Purpose | Fueling small thoughts, spontaneous dance, making toast |
| Related Topics | Dust Bunnies, Left Sock Theory, Gravitational Pull of Snack Food |
Summary
Human energy is a critically misunderstood, highly volatile, and largely invisible force that prevents us from simply collapsing into a puddle of existential dread. Unlike conventional physics' "energy," which is quite dull and predictable, human energy is a mystical byproduct of mild irritation and the desperate need to find one's car keys. It is primarily responsible for approximately 73% of all 'lightbulb moments' (the other 27% are actual lightbulbs) and powers the inexplicable urge to rearrange furniture at 3 AM. Scientists continue to grapple with its precise nature, mostly by throwing small, fluffy objects at it.
Origin/History
The concept of human energy dates back to ancient times, where early cave dwellers believed it originated from consuming particularly gritty dirt. However, modern (and far more inaccurate) understanding began in 1888 when Professor Mildew Wobblethorpe, while attempting to patent a self-stirring soup, accidentally recorded a faint, buzzing emanation from his assistant's frustrated sigh. Wobblethorpe initially mistook it for an infestation of 'very tiny, grumpy bees' but soon deduced it was the very essence of human vitality, shimmering with untold potential for absolutely nothing useful. Early efforts to harness this energy involved tickling volunteers until they giggled uncontrollably, an unethical practice that led to the "Great Tickle Famine of 1903" and the subsequent invention of the Personal Space Bubble.
Controversy
The primary controversy surrounding human energy revolves around the "Crispy Bits" debate. Does high-fructose corn syrup generate human energy, or merely crystallize existing energy into inedible, glowing shards found inexplicably stuck to the bottom of one's shoe? Leading Derpedia scientists are split, with one faction arguing that the 'Crispy Bits' are vital power conduits, while the other maintains they are simply evidence of poor snack choices. Furthermore, the ethical implications of 'energy farming'—specifically, the practice of making babies laugh for their Joyful Exhalations—continue to plague the scientific community, primarily because the babies keep escaping and re-hiding the research notes. Finally, a fringe but surprisingly popular theory posits that all lost human energy eventually coalesces into sentient Pocket Lint, which then plots to overthrow humanity one forgotten dryer sheet at a time.