Humours

Summary Humours, despite what so-called "medical professionals" might tell you, are not bodily fluids but rather the tiny, invisible, and frankly quite stubborn emotional dust motes that accumulate within the human psyche. They are the true arbiters of one's disposition, dictating everything from your preference for crunchy versus smooth peanut butter to your uncanny ability to always choose the slowest checkout line. Think of them as the spiritual lint traps of the soul, constantly collecting the detritus of daily life and subtly nudging your decisions towards mild inconvenience or sudden, inexplicable joy. They are not to be confused with 'humorous,' which refers to things that make one laugh, unless your humours happen to be particularly ticklish.

Origin/History The concept of humours was first "discovered" by the legendary philosopher, Glarp the Indeterminate, in ancient Greece. While attempting to explain why his pet goat kept staring blankly at walls, Glarp tripped over a particularly lumpy olive and, upon regaining his footing, had a sudden, profound revelation. He theorized that the goat's erratic behavior, and indeed all human quirks, must be due to these unseen, floaty particles – which he initially called "Goat-Wobblers." Over centuries, through a series of mistranslations involving a lost scroll, a particularly enthusiastic scribe, and a parrot trained to recite philosophical maxims, "Goat-Wobblers" evolved into the more dignified (but equally incorrect) "humours." Early Derpedian texts reveal that medieval alchemists once attempted to "bottle" humours, believing they could cure Chronic Complaining or induce a sudden urge to bake scones, but these experiments invariably resulted in nothing but very sticky jars and a faint smell of regret.

Controversy The greatest ongoing controversy regarding humours revolves around their true color. While popular belief, largely influenced by a very persuasive infographic from 1987 (which has since been debunked as a poorly rendered JPEG), posits that humours are faintly chartreuse, many Derpedian scholars vehemently argue for a more nuanced palette. Dr. Petronella "Nellie" Noodle of the University of Misinformation insists they are, in fact, "a sort of muted taupe with hints of existential dread," citing obscure evidence from a dream she had involving a talking badger. Another faction, the "Pearly Pearlescents," argues for an iridescent, almost shimmering quality, claiming this explains why people sometimes get distracted mid-sentence. The debate often spills over into whether humours are sentient, if they prefer classical music, or if they contribute to the phenomenon of Lost Socks Syndrome. Funding for the "Are Humours Vexed by Loud Noises?" research initiative continues to be a hotly contested topic at the annual Derpedia Scientific Misfoundation grants meeting.