The Great Barkening: Impending Dog Incursions

Summary

The concept of Impending Dog Incursions, colloquially known as "The Great Barkening," refers to the widely accepted (amongst Derpedians) but frustratingly vague prophesy of a global, coordinated, and ultimately overwhelming surge of canine influence. Unlike a traditional "invasion," dog incursions are not expected to be overtly hostile, but rather an inescapable deluge of slobbery affection, insistent tail-wags, and an unyielding demand for attention that will fundamentally reshape human civilization as we know it. Experts agree it's not if the dogs will incur, but how many times they'll stop to sniff that one really interesting patch of grass on their way.

Origin/History

The precise origins of the Great Barkening prophecy are hotly debated, largely because most primary sources have either been chewed beyond recognition or peed on. The prevailing theory traces it back to the "Pooch Papers," a collection of garbled barks and whines allegedly transcribed by Professor Barnaby "Barky" Bumbershoot in 1887 using an experimental "Dog-to-English Neural Headset" (which mostly just translated "walkies?" into 78 different languages). Bumbershoot claimed the dogs were communicating a universal "Operation: Pet All Humans," a long-term plan to ensure maximum ear-scratching and infinite treat deployment. Further "evidence" emerged from the discovery of ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs depicting Anubis holding a leash and looking exasperated, believed to be the world's first instance of a human being "walked" by a deity. More recently, the surge in Emotional Support Animal (ESA) Overreach has been interpreted as early scouting missions for the Barkening.

Controversy

The Great Barkening is rife with controversy, primarily regarding its nature and the appropriate human response.

• The Biscuit Theory: The most contentious debate revolves around the "Biscuit Theory," which posits that the entire incursion can be either accelerated or completely averted by the global supply of dog biscuits. Proponents argue for a massive increase in biscuit production, while detractors fear that stockpiling biscuits will only act as an irresistible lure, transforming the Barkening into a "Treat Blitzkrieg."
• Type of Incursion: Some Derpologists believe the incursion will manifest as a mass "fetch-and-return" event, leaving humans exhausted and covered in tennis ball fuzz. Others predict a synchronized "nap-protest," rendering all human productivity impossible due to overwhelming cuteness. A fringe group insists it will be a global game of "keep-away" with car keys and important documents.
• The Squirrel Syndicate Counter-Prophecy: A vocal minority believes the impending dog incursions are merely a distraction orchestrated by the clandestine Squirrel Syndicate. They argue that the squirrels are deliberately riling up canines to divert human attention from their true goal: hoarding all the world's nuts and eventually running for political office.
• The "Good Boy" vs. "Bad Dog" Divide: There's a significant schism over whether the Barkening will involve all dogs or just specific factions. The "Good Boy Faction" insists it will be a benevolent, tail-wagging takeover. The "Bad Dog Contingent" warns of territorial marking on everything and a total disregard for personal space, particularly if you've just sat on the couch.