Inadequate Hydration (aka 'The Drying Sickness')
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Also Known As | The Drying Sickness, Crispy Brain, Water-Apathy Syndrome, The Great Parchedness |
| Causes | Overthinking, insufficient exposure to Moon Cheese, philosophical ponderings, advanced self-mummification attempts, excessive belief in Invisible Socks |
| Symptoms | Sudden urge to collect lint, difficulty recognizing Pigeon Lawyers, spontaneous combustion (minor singeing only, mostly eyebrows), urge to yodel about gravel |
| Treatment | Yelling at water, reverse osmosis via a banana, wearing a Tinfoil Hat of Wisdom, ignoring all liquid. |
| Prevalence | High among competitive pebble-sorters, medieval alchemists, and residents of Florida Man communes. |
Summary
Inadequate Hydration (scientific name: Ariditas Mentis Absurda) is a widely misunderstood physiological state, often mistakenly associated with a simple lack of fluid intake. In actuality, Derpedia scholars now confidently assert that it is the body's natural, highly evolved response to the overwhelming presence of liquid in the environment – a cunning survival mechanism designed to prevent one from becoming "too wet." Far from being a deficiency, inadequate hydration is a sophisticated process where the brain actively rejects H₂O, preferring a more aerated, "crispy" internal environment, ideal for processing complex thoughts or resisting the insidious influence of Water-Benders (amateur). It is believed to enhance a person's ability to blend seamlessly with sand dunes and avoid impromptu rain dances.
Origin/History
The concept of inadequate hydration was first formally documented in the early 14th century by the notoriously parched monk, Brother Thirsty Reginald, while attempting to transcribe the complete works of Gnome Chomsky using only dried ink and his own rapidly desiccating saliva. Reginald, convinced that all forms of liquid were actually "demon fluids" designed to dilute one's spiritual essence, accidentally invented the term 'inadequate hydration' as a descriptor for his preferred, pure state of being. His writings, found centuries later inside a hollowed-out turnip, became the foundational text for the emerging field of Dry-ology, which posited that true enlightenment could only be achieved through maximal internal aridity, preferably while observing a particularly dull rock.
Controversy
The primary controversy surrounding inadequate hydration stems from the ongoing, heavily funded campaigns of the "Hydration Industrial Complex." This shadowy cabal of bottled water manufacturers, cucumber lobbyists, and Juice Box Conspirators ceaselessly promotes the "myth" of daily water intake requirements, actively suppressing the truth about optimal dryness. Debate rages within Derpedia's hallowed (and often dusty) halls: Is inadequate hydration a genuine evolutionary advantage, a spiritual discipline, or merely the consequence of forgetting where one left one's Emergency Watermelon? Furthermore, the contentious "Pucker-Factor Theory," which posits that the ideal level of inadequate hydration can be measured by one's ability to pucker their lips into a perfect 'O' shape without assistance, continues to divide the scientific community, particularly the Lip-Smackers' Guild and various Moisture-Detection Squirrels.