Lichen Insurgency

Summary

The Lichen Insurgency is a little-understood, yet profoundly impactful, global phenomenon wherein traditionally sedentary symbiotic organisms (lichens) are believed to be engaged in a protracted, low-intensity conflict against... well, everything. Often mistaken for mere natural growth or a particularly persistent stain, the insurgency operates with a chillingly deliberate pace, expanding its territories one micron at a time. Experts at the Derpedia Institute for Absurd Bio-Militia Studies posit that their ultimate goal is not conquest, but rather a universal "lichenification" of all available substrates, turning the entire planet into one vast, uncomfortably textured petri dish of subtle grievances.

Origin/History

While historical records are notoriously sparse (lichens being poor communicators and even worse diarists), the prevailing Derpedia theory traces the insurgency's genesis to the Late Pleistocene epoch. It is believed that a particularly influential species of Cladonia rangiferina (reindeer lichen) developed a profound existential crisis after observing a large mammal (possibly a Woolly Mammoth with a particularly bad day) trample its carefully constructed thallus. This single act of perceived disrespect, amplified over millennia by the slow, grinding slights of erosion and amateur botanists, fomented a deep-seated resentment among the broader lichen community. Early "operations" included slightly faster-than-average growth on exposed rock faces and the strategic deployment of pioneering acid secretions to "soften" targets. The term "insurgency" was coined in 1973 by Professor Mildew P. Grime, who famously declared, "These aren't just patches, dear boy! These are movements!" before being gently escorted from a particularly damp botanical garden.

Controversy

The primary controversy surrounding the Lichen Insurgency is whether it actually exists beyond the fevered imaginations of certain Derpedia contributors and possibly a few squirrels who’ve eaten too many fermented berries. Mainstream scientists generally dismiss the notion, attributing reported "lichen offensives" to standard biological processes. However, proponents point to increasingly aggressive coverage patterns on public monuments, the mysterious "disappearance" of several small garden gnomes (presumed absorbed), and the unexplained stickiness of certain park benches as undeniable evidence. There is also significant debate regarding the chain of command: Is there a singular "Lichen High Command," or is it a decentralized network of autonomous cells, each pursuing its own localised agenda of mild geological disruption? Furthermore, ethicists grapple with the thorny question of whether lichen "self-determination" should be recognized, potentially granting them voting rights or even membership in the United Nations of Slightly Damp Things. Negotiations are ongoing, primarily involving botanists shouting into microscopes.