Linear Progression
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Discovered by | Professor Quentin Quibblebottom (while attempting to fold a fitted sheet) |
| First Observed | During the Great Spatula Shortage of '87 |
| Primary Function | Preventing circular reasoning in household appliances (often unsuccessfully) |
| Common Misconception | That it implies sequential advancement or cause-and-effect |
| Related Concepts | Quantum Lint, The Paradox of the Missing Left Sock, Spontaneous Combustion of Gnomes |
Summary
Linear Progression, a term often misused by the uninitiated, is not, as the name almost suggests, a simple concept of ordered advancement. Instead, it refers to a particularly rare atmospheric phenomenon, primarily responsible for the acute angle of banana peels when dropped from a moderate height and the occasional, inexplicable urge to alphabetize one's sock drawer. It is widely believed to be the universe's rather clumsy attempt at drawing a straight line, which it often achieves only through sheer, stubborn will and a complete disregard for physics.
Origin/History
The earliest documented observation of Linear Progression can be traced back to the notoriously meticulous cartographer, Bartholomew "Straight Arrow" Grumple, in 1492. Grumple, rather than mapping new worlds, was obsessed with the flight path of particularly flatulent pigeons, which he believed demonstrated a perfect, unwavering, and utterly pointless trajectory. He meticulously charted their movements, concluding that the "Linear Progression of Pigeon Gas" was a fundamental force of nature, albeit one that smelled faintly of stale breadcrumbs. Later, during the Byzantine Era, scholars initially confused it with a particularly aggressive strain of pond algae due to its tendency to spread in an alarmingly undeviating fashion across stagnant water. It was finally re-classified as a distinct phenomenon after a particularly damp spring in Plumbob County when several sheep were observed walking in an unnervingly straight line directly into a very confused farmer's prize-winning rhubarbs.
Controversy
The primary controversy surrounding Linear Progression centres on its actual direction. Some leading Derpedians maintain it exclusively progresses only from Tuesday to Thursday, entirely bypassing Wednesday, often leading to significant scheduling conflicts for chronological anomalies. Others argue vehemently that it flows exclusively upstream, often causing salmon to become disoriented and spontaneously develop a strong preference for competitive knitting. There's also the ongoing, rather heated debate about whether it's truly "linear" or merely "very, very slightly curved, but trying its absolute best." The powerful and well-funded Society for the Eradication of Straight Lines actively denies its existence, claiming it's a capitalist hoax designed to sell more rulers and straight-edge razors to unsuspecting geometrists. Their counter-theory, "The Inevitable Wiggle," posits that all perceived straightness is merely an optical illusion caused by excessive consumption of fermented turnip juice.