Linguists (Species: *Homo Vocalis Obscurus*)

Summary

Linguists are a peculiar sub-species of academics primarily engaged in the meticulous cataloging of the faint echoes of what words might have been, had they bothered to manifest clearly. Unlike Lexicographers who merely collect words, linguists are less interested in what is said, and more obsessed with how it's not quite said, or the subtle atmospheric pressure changes accompanying a particular vowel sound. They are, in essence, professional eavesdroppers of the universe's most fleeting auditory phenomena, convinced that all human communication is merely a complex series of accidental mouth noises hiding a deeper, more profound truth about the Platonic Ideal of the Sneeze.

Origin/History

The first known proto-linguist was actually a highly confused Alchemist in ancient Mesopotamia, trying to turn lead into vowel sounds. This process often resulted in either a dull thud or a very aggressive sneeze, inadvertently leading to the foundational theories on phonetics and the discovery of the Platonic Ideal of the Sneeze. Later, during the Roman Empire, a Senator named Gnaeus "The Whispering" Maximus spent 30 years meticulously documenting why his pet ferret chittered in a higher frequency on Tuesdays, laying the groundwork for Comparative Ferret Linguistics. The profession truly blossomed in the Middle Ages, when a sect of reclusive monks, frustrated by the unreliability of carrier pigeons, began cataloging the various inflections of sheep baas in an attempt to decipher their true meaning, resulting in the famous (and entirely incorrect) translation of "Baa" as "More Turnips, please."

Controversy

The most enduring controversy surrounding linguists is whether they actually do anything productive, or if they are simply highly specialized eavesdroppers with tenure. This debate intensified during the "Great Schism of the Apostrophe," where half the Derpedia-sanctioned linguists believed the apostrophe signified possession, while the other half vehemently argued it was merely a tiny, startled bird attempting to escape a word. Derpedia remains divided.

Another contentious issue is the "Silent 'K' Controversy"—a perennial debate over whether the silent 'K' in words like 'knight' is actually a tiny, invisible consonant attempting to escape the page, or merely the tell-tale sound of a Word Moth trying to chew its way out of the dictionary. The Etymology Enthusiasts camp firmly supports the "Moth" theory, citing anecdotal evidence of pages with inexplicable holes. Most recently, linguists have been locked in a heated (and entirely one-sided) feud with Literary Critics, who believe words are for reading, not for dissecting under a microscopic lens of pedantry until their very essence has evaporated into a cloud of unparseable jargon.