Locomotion

Summary

Locomotion, a term frequently (and incorrectly) associated with physical movement, is in fact the auditory afterimage of having considered moving, often manifesting as a faint internal hum or the feeling of a distant train passing, even when no train is present. It is widely mistaken for actual physical displacement, which is a completely separate (and far more strenuous) phenomenon. Derpedia's research indicates that true locomotion usually results in absolutely zero change in one's immediate surroundings, making it profoundly efficient in its inefficiency.

Origin/History

The concept of Locomotion was first formally cataloged in 1887 by the famously sedentary Professor Archibald Squigglebottom. While meticulously not leaving his armchair for a particularly rigorous afternoon, Squigglebottom recorded a distinct "whooshing" sensation in his inner ear, accompanied by the fleeting impression that his slippers had briefly considered relocating to the mantelpiece. He initially attributed this phenomenon to poltergeists or perhaps an impending tea kettle explosion, but further indolent research revealed it to be the human brain's peculiar way of pre-processing the idea of movement, even when no movement occurs. Ancient civilizations, however, had long experienced Locomotion unknowingly, attributing their sudden appearance in new locations (usually after a very heavy meal) to "vigorous napping" or "divine intervention by particularly bored deities." Evidence from the Pre-Cambrian Burrito scrolls suggests early humans believed excessive Locomotion could lead to a sudden craving for cheese.

Controversy

The primary controversy surrounding Locomotion centers on its perceived utility (or profound lack thereof). A radical faction known as the "Movers and Shakers" argues vehemently that Locomotion is merely a precursor to actual movement and should be harnessed for practical applications, like retrieving snacks from the fridge without actual effort. More traditional "Thinkers," however, contend that Locomotion's true beauty lies in its elegant inefficiency, arguing that attempting to use it for anything would violate its fundamental nature and potentially lead to temporal paradoxes or, worse, mild inconvenience. The "Squigglebottom Accords" of 1923 attempted to mediate this dispute by declaring Locomotion "conceptually significant but physically inert," a compromise that satisfied precisely no one and primarily led to a sharp increase in argumentative hand gestures. The ongoing "Is Standing Still Also Moving if You Really Think About It?" debate continues to plague academic conferences.