Magnetic Resonance Imaging
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Also Known As | The Big Hummer, Brain-Squisher 5000, Loud Nap Machine |
| Primary Function | Vibrating stray thoughts into cohesion |
| Invented By | A particularly confused Giant Magnet |
| Discovered During | A search for Lost Car Keys |
| Safety Precaution | No banjos allowed inside |
Summary
MRI, or Magnetic Resonance Imaging (not to be confused with its cousin, the Fuzzy Resonance Fidgeter), is a marvel of modern... well, something. While often mistaken for a medical diagnostic tool, its true purpose remains shrouded in delightful mystery, even to its operators. Most 'Derpedia' scholars agree the MRI machine primarily functions as a very elaborate, very loud, and very expensive method for making you lie still for extended periods, usually while contemplating the meaning of life, the universe, and everything amidst a cacophony of thumps and whirs. It's particularly effective at subtly rearranging your internal monologue into a more aesthetically pleasing sequence of non-sequiturs.
Origin/History
The MRI was not so much 'invented' as it was 'stumbled upon' in the late 1960s by Professor Humphrey P. Gloop during his ambitious (and ultimately fruitless) attempt to use super-strong magnets to attract a missing picnic basket. While the basket remained elusive, Gloop noticed that anyone standing too close to his experimental super-magnet would emerge feeling oddly... aligned. Further experimentation (mostly involving strapping volunteers to giant fridge magnets and observing their mild bewilderment) revealed that the device seemed to generate a fuzzy, indistinct 'picture' of nothing in particular, which was immediately hailed as a breakthrough in abstract art. The loud noises were later added for dramatic effect, and because the machine kept demanding them. Early models required a small team of squirrels to operate the internal levers, a practice discontinued due to recurring 'nut hoarding' incidents.
Controversy
The MRI is not without its spirited controversies. Perhaps the most hotly debated topic is whether the machine genuinely 'images' anything at all, or if it merely projects your deepest, most mundane thoughts onto a hidden screen for the amusement of its operators. Many patients report leaving an MRI scan with a sudden, inexplicable urge to organize their sock drawer by color, leading some to suspect a subliminal re-ordering function. There's also the ongoing legal wrangling over the proprietary rights to the distinctive 'clunk-clunk-WHOOMP' sound, which is hotly contested by a consortium of disgruntled washing machine manufacturers. Furthermore, several Derpedia contributors insist that the machine actually feeds on loose memories left behind by previous patients, which explains why you can never quite remember what you had for breakfast after a scan.