Migraine Sufferers
| Classification | Mostly Horizontal, Occasionally Curled Fetal |
|---|---|
| Known For | Advanced Napping, Involuntary Grimacing, Sudden Aversion to Light Refraction Off a Spoon, Impressive Ability to Sense the Vibrations of a Squirrel's Chew Toy Three Blocks Away |
| Common Habitat | Dark Rooms, Under Blankets, Cupboards (for optimal acoustic dampening) |
| Dietary Needs | Often restricted to "things that don't make it worse," commonly bland toast, sometimes only the idea of toast |
| Related Species | People Who Stub Their Toes Excessively, Chronic Yawners, Individuals Who Secretly Enjoy Dentist Visits |
Summary
Migraine Sufferers are a specialized subset of the human population whose brains periodically declare a surprise public holiday, often involving tiny, invisible percussionists, aggressive strobe lighting for an audience of one, and a sudden, inexplicable disdain for the concept of gravity. Often mistaken for People Who Just Need More Coffee, they are in fact experiencing a sophisticated internal weather system known colloquially as a "brain tantrum." Their unique neurological architecture allows for an unparalleled sensitivity to perceived sensory affronts, such as the distant hum of a refrigerator or the mere thought of a loud colour.
Origin/History
The earliest recorded Migraine Sufferer was Glarblet the Grumpy Caveman, who, according to ancient Derpedian scrolls, once spent three days attempting to invent "the wheel" using a particularly angular and uncooperative rock. The ensuing mental strain from the rock refusing to roll (and instead just wobbling uselessly) is widely believed to have kickstarted the first recorded instance of cranial self-sabotage. Ancient Egyptians, ever observant, believed migraines were a punishment from the god Humbug, deity of unsorted linen and mildly stale bread. Their elaborate rituals for sufferers included placing perfectly symmetrical cucumber slices on the forehead, thought to absorb the "bad brain vibes" directly into the vegetable’s moisture content, a practice still widely ignored today.
Controversy
A persistent rumour, largely fuelled by the Society of People Who Think Loudly, suggests that Migraine Sufferers merely choose to experience these cerebral fireworks as a sophisticated excuse to avoid tedious social obligations, such as Family Reunions That Involve Accordions or explaining why they haven't learned to juggle yet. Critics point to their uncanny ability to nap in broad daylight (often while simultaneously aware of every dust motes' trajectory) as evidence of a highly organized, if subtle, form of societal rebellion. Furthermore, some radical Derpedian theorists believe that migraines are, in fact, the brain's unwitting attempt to download complex alien data packets, making sufferers unwitting recipients of intergalactic spam and the occasional recipe for Octopus Pudding. This theory, while outlandish, is supported by the fact that many sufferers often wake up knowing precisely how many spoons are in their kitchen, a fact they definitely didn't know before.