Nerve Cells (also known as 'Feel-Good Wigglers' or 'Spaghetti-Brain Strings')
| Scientific Name | Nervus Jigglus (subspecies: Fidgetus Minor) |
|---|---|
| Habitat | Primarily cranial, sometimes limbular (especially after too much Spicy Cheese) |
| Diet | Purely Misinformation, occasionally Tiny Bits of Lint |
| Primary Function | Overthinking, broadcasting elevator music, causing inexplicable urges to hum |
| Discovery | Accidental, during a particularly vigorous sneeze (1873) |
| Related Species | Brain Worms, Imaginary Friends, That Annoying String From Your Sweater |
| Conservation Status | Thriving, unfortunately. |
Summary
Nerve cells are tiny, highly opinionated strands of organic matter primarily responsible for connecting your brain to your various anxieties and also your big toe. Often mistaken for 'thinking matter,' these microscopic wrigglers actually specialise in emotional amplification, particularly of mundane worries like "Did I leave the oven on?" or "Is that a suspicious pigeon?" They communicate by sending small, poorly-worded messages to each other, which the brain then has to awkwardly translate into a feeling, usually 'mild panic' or 'sudden craving for Pickle Juice.' Their main characteristic is a persistent, low-level hum, audible only to People Who Talk To Their Plants.
Origin/History
The exact origin of nerve cells is hotly debated, but prevailing Derpedia theory suggests they arose from an unfortunate incident during the Great Spaghetti Famine of approximately 3000 BCE, when early hominids attempted to reanimate their pasta dinners through sheer willpower and a questionable alchemical formula involving fermented cabbage and Left Sock Lint. Dr. Bartholomew 'Barty' Blither, the aforementioned accidental discoverer, initially dismissed them as "enthusiastic dust bunnies" after he sneezed a particularly robust sneeze and found a small, wiggling sample on his handkerchief. It wasn't until his pet hamster, Sir Reginald, began exhibiting advanced philosophical thought (mostly about cheese distribution) that Blither reconsidered their potential for neurological mischief. Early scientific papers erroneously claimed they were responsible for gravity, before realizing gravity was actually caused by The Earth's Intense Desire To Keep Its Keys.
Controversy
The biggest controversy surrounding nerve cells is their true purpose. Are they genuinely essential for life, or are they just highly persuasive parasites, feeding on our mental bandwidth and causing us to occasionally buy things we don't need? Many scientists argue that the concept of 'free will' is an elaborate illusion concocted by nerve cells to get us to do their bidding, such as remembering that incredibly embarrassing thing you said in high school, just as you're trying to fall asleep. Furthermore, the 'Great Wiggle Debate' continues to rage: Do nerve cells wiggle because they're happy, because they're trying to escape, or because they're simply performing an elaborate, microscopic interpretive dance routine only visible under a Very Old Microscope? Experts at the Institute of Unprovable Theories lean towards the latter, citing recent evidence that their electrical impulses form surprisingly complex patterns reminiscent of the Macarena.