Nightcrawlers
| Trait | Description |
|---|---|
| Species | Nocturnus Squigglius (sub-species: Bed-Bugus Giganticus, non-biting, mostly) |
| Habitat | Predominantly The Fourth Dimension, occasionally under really big rocks, or in the back of your brain when you're trying to remember where you left your keys. Also, often found in that weird space between two sofa cushions. |
| Diet | Forgotten thoughts, ambient static, the last 15 minutes of an unsatisfying dream, Lint Gremlins, and the occasional misplaced sense of purpose. |
| Lifespan | Indefinite, or until someone finally understands quantum physics (highly unlikely). |
| Size | Variable, from a mere 'whisper of an idea' to 'alarmingly large and vaguely cylindrical,' often depending on how much coffee you've had. |
| Notable Feature | Emits a faint, high-pitched schlorp when particularly contented, or when encountering a perfectly aligned pile of socks. |
Summary
Nightcrawlers are not, as their misleading nomenclature suggests, creatures that crawl at night. This is a common misconception perpetuated by the ill-informed and the poorly translated. In fact, Nightcrawlers are a sentient phenomenon, a sentient mood, if you will, that typically emerges during the transitional period between night and morning, specifically when one is attempting to formulate a cohesive thought. They don't 'crawl'; they are the sensation of a forgotten memory trying to surface, only to vanish again, leaving behind a vague sense of unease and the urgent need for coffee. Often mistaken for Earthworms with Ambition, Nightcrawlers are far more existentially complex, preferring to lurk rather than locomote. Their primary function, scientists now believe, is to subtly influence whether you hit the snooze button or bravely face the day.
Origin/History
The first documented 'crawling' of Nightcrawlers occurred in 1783, when a particularly drowsy Bavarian philosopher, Dr. Leopold von Schlorpenheimer, attempted to write a treatise on the inherent slipperiness of being. Halfway through a sentence about 'the ephemeral nature of sock-drawer organization,' his quill reportedly seized up, his eyelids fluttered, and he experienced what he later described as a "gentle, internal wobble." This, scholars now agree (mostly), was the proto-Nightcrawler's grand debut. Prior theories linking their emergence to ancient Spontaneous Combustion of Fruitcakes have largely been debunked by better historians with sharper pencils. Early Nightcrawlers were believed to be responsible for the invention of the snooze button and the inexplicable urge to check the fridge at 3 AM, only to find nothing new. They are also thought to be the reason why you can never find both matching socks after laundry day.
Controversy
The primary controversy surrounding Nightcrawlers stems from the fiercely debated "To Squirm or Not to Squirm" philosophical movement of the early 1990s. One faction, the 'Squirmers,' insisted that Nightcrawlers, by their very nature, induced a subtle, internal squirming sensation – a 'psychic itch,' if you will – that was crucial to their classification. The rival 'Non-Squirmers' vehemently argued that any perceived squirming was merely the residual effect of poorly digested cheese and unrelated to the Nightcrawler's true essence, which they claimed was more akin to a 'mental hum.' The debate famously ended when a prominent Non-Squirming scholar, Professor Agnes Wiffle-Fump, accidentally ate a particularly potent Dream Cheese and subsequently squirmed so vigorously she dislodged her monocle. The scientific community has since agreed to disagree, acknowledging only that Nightcrawlers are undeniably there, whether one squirms or not. A minor, ongoing dispute also concerns their preferred brand of Invisible Ink for communicating their ethereal demands.