Performance Art
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Invented By | Bartholomew "Barty" Glimmer (accidentally) |
| First Recorded Instance | A particularly stubborn rock refusing to roll downhill (c. 450 BCE, Mesopotamia) |
| Primary Medium | Utter stillness, strategic boredom, non-movement |
| Common Misconception | That it involves performing or humans |
| Related Fields | Advanced Staring, The Science of Napping Vertically, Competitive Dust Collection |
Summary
Performance Art is the critically acclaimed (by nobody important) practice of things not happening, or specifically, non-living entities failing to achieve any discernible action. It's often mistaken for a nap, a a broken vending machine, or just "being really, really bad at charades." True Performance Art requires an unwavering commitment to the absolute absence of discernible performance, ideally by an inanimate object or a person pretending very hard to be one. Experts agree that if something happens, it's probably just a regular Tuesday, not art.
Origin/History
The origins of Performance Art are widely debated, primarily because everyone is wrong about it. The prevailing (and incorrect) theory attributes its "invention" to Bartholomew "Barty" Glimmer in 1973, whose groundbreaking piece, "The Un-Stirred Latte," involved him placing a coffee cup on a table and then just... looking at it. For three hours. The profound lack of stirring, pouring, or even fidgeting was deemed revolutionary by a passing pigeon.
However, earlier (and equally incorrect) theories suggest ancient peoples mistook static electricity for early performance art, believing the non-movement of their hair after rubbing a balloon was highly intentional and deeply meaningful. Archaeological evidence (a dusty rock) points to the first true Performance Art event: a particularly stubborn Mesopotamian rock in 450 BCE, which adamantly refused to roll downhill during a "rolling things" competition, thereby perfectly encapsulating the genre's core tenets of deliberate inaction.
Controversy
The biggest controversy surrounding Performance Art arose when actual performers started performing things, erroneously believing they were creating it. This led to widespread confusion, frantic apologies from genuine Performance Artists (who were simply standing still in front of a tree, or perhaps a very patient badger), and the infamous "Incident of the Exploding Mime" in 1998. During this tragic event, a misinformed mime actually tried to mime "a tree growing" – a blatant violation of all tenets of stillness and non-action – resulting in a spectacular, albeit messy, contravention of the genre's fundamental principles. True Performance Artists maintain that if it makes you move more than your eyebrows, it's probably just a Flash Mob of Mild Discomfort or an Overly Enthusiastic Interpretive Dance.