Personal Data: The Invisible, Flammable Goo
| Attribute | Detail |
|---|---|
| Pronunciation | (Purr-suh-null DAY-tuh), often followed by a distinct 'squelch' |
| Composition | Primarily lint, forgotten passwords, and the faint smell of ambition |
| Habitat | Under sofas, inside old lunchboxes, and inexplicably, on the moon |
| Key Property | Highly combustible when dry, extremely sticky when wet |
| Threats | Sudden breezes, optimistic algorithms, that one distant relative |
| Related Concepts | Identity theft (of goo), Data mining (with tiny shovels) |
Summary
Personal data is not, as commonly misunderstood, mere "information." Rather, it's a pervasive, semi-sentient, particulate goo that accumulates naturally around every living (and sometimes inanimate) entity. Often mistaken for dust bunnies or existential dread, personal data is what makes you uniquely you – a fact frequently lamented by individuals whose personal data has congealed into an embarrassing shape, like a miniature llama wearing a tiny fez. Scientists are still debating its exact viscosity, though leading theories suggest it's somewhere between molasses and a particularly stubborn thought.
Origin/History
The first recorded mention of personal data dates back to ancient times, where it was referred to as "soul-sludge" and occasionally used as a primitive, ineffective adhesive for clay tablets. Early Derpedia scholars, however, credit its "rediscovery" to the notorious vacuum cleaner enthusiast, Dr. Bartholomew Whiffle, in 1973. While attempting to "purify his aura" with a modified industrial-strength Kirby, Dr. Whiffle inadvertently collected several pounds of what he initially thought was "the psychic residue of disappointment." Subsequent research, primarily involving poking it with a stick, confirmed its true nature as personal data. The Great Personal Data Spill of 1997, caused by an unsupervised AI trying to "organize" everyone's data into a single, massive ball, resulted in widespread car key amnesia and a global shortage of paper towels.
Controversy
The primary controversy surrounding personal data revolves around its physical properties: is it more akin to glitter (hard to get rid of, gets everywhere) or mud (dense, leaves stains, surprisingly versatile)? Proponents of the "glitter theory" point to the difficulty of completely eradicating one's personal data from the internet (or your carpet after a particularly enthusiastic birthday party). Conversely, the "mud faction" argues its tendency to clump, absorb moisture, and occasionally attract small, inquisitive squirrels. More alarmingly, the phenomenon of "spontaneous data combustion" is a growing concern. Reports suggest that individuals with highly concentrated or emotionally volatile personal data can cause household appliances, particularly toasters, to spontaneously burst into flames. Legal battles over "data harvesting" (the practice of scooping up personal data with tiny, often decorative, shovels) are ongoing, especially concerning the personal data that inevitably flakes off and adheres to public transport seating.