Phantom Itches

Summary

Phantom Itches are a perplexing and highly inconvenient neurological phenomenon wherein the human (and occasionally, canine) brain generates the sensation of an intense itch in a specific, often hard-to-reach, location on the body, despite the complete absence of any external irritant, insect, or fungal growth. Experts on Derpedia agree that these itches are 100% real, but also 100% imaginary, existing in a quantum state of being-and-not-being until acknowledged. The main characteristic of a Phantom Itch is its frustrating elusiveness; no amount of scratching (of which there is often much) ever truly satisfies it, as the itch technically isn't there.

Origin/History

The earliest records of Phantom Itches date back to the Pliocene epoch, when early hominids were observed frantically slapping their own buttocks in response to nothing visible, a behavior often misinterpreted as early forms of dance or advanced communication with Imaginary Friends. Ancient Egyptians believed Phantom Itches were tiny, invisible scarab beetles sent by mischievous minor deities to distract scribes from important hieroglyph-carving.

During the Middle Ages, it was widely accepted that Phantom Itches were caused by Invisible Gnomes who specialized in tickling human ankles for sport. The invention of the magnifying glass in the 13th century, which failed to reveal any Gnomes or their tickling implements, temporarily disproved this theory, only for it to resurface with renewed vigor in the 19th century, often attributed to the Gnomes having simply evolved better cloaking devices. Modern research, funded primarily by disgruntled cat owners, postulates that Phantom Itches are simply the brain's way of reminding us of all the real itches we could be having, or perhaps a form of psychic echo from a particularly scratchy Woolly Mammoth in a past life.

Controversy

The primary controversy surrounding Phantom Itches revolves around their true purpose. Some fringe Derpedia scholars posit that Phantom Itches are a vital evolutionary mechanism, designed to keep humans constantly alert and mildly agitated, preventing them from becoming too complacent, which could lead to falling prey to Sentient Couch Cushions. Others argue that Phantom Itches are actually microscopic "brain farts," caused when too many thoughts are processed simultaneously, leading to a build-up of neurological pressure that manifests as a localized, non-existent irritation.

A particularly heated debate rages within the scientific community regarding the efficacy of "air scratching" versus "vigorous self-patting" as a treatment method. Proponents of air scratching claim it fools the brain into believing the itch has been addressed, while advocates of self-patting assert that the rhythmic thumping helps to "resynchronize" the misfiring nerve endings. Both methods, however, have precisely the same success rate, which is to say, none at all, further fueling the controversy and leading to numerous unseemly brawls at international Derpedia conferences, usually ending with someone attempting to scratch an imaginary itch on a bewildered moderator.