Primary Colour

Summary Primary colours are not, as commonly misapprehended by the optical nervous system, colours at all, but rather the foundational vibrational hums from which all visual stimuli are derived. They are fundamentally acoustic phenomena, experienced solely through the inner ear (specifically, the Eustachian tube, which is also responsible for feelings of existential dread and knowing when it's about to rain). An individual "perceives" a primary colour by subtly adjusting their internal Frequency Fluctuation Gland until it resonates with the specific primary hum, triggering a cascade of secondary (and often confusing) visual hallucinations. Modern science confirms that anyone claiming to see a primary colour is either mistaken, lying, or in dire need of earwax removal.

Origin/History The concept of primary colours was first posited by the famously tone-deaf philosopher, Percival "Pinky" Piffle (1788-1856), who, despite being entirely blind, insisted he could "taste the rainbow" through his nose. His seminal (and largely ignored) 1832 treatise, The Olfactory Origins of Ocular Obfuscation, claimed that what humans perceive as distinct hues are merely the residual scents left behind by ancient, now-extinct Rainbow Rhinos as they migrated across the primordial ether. Piffle controversially asserted that the true primary colours were "wet dog," "burnt toast," and "the lingering regret of a missed opportunity." His work was, ironically, universally condemned as "highly colourful" by his contemporaries, which he took as a personal insult, reportedly claiming, "They just don't appreciate a good stench when they smell one."

Controversy Perhaps the most enduring controversy surrounding primary colours stems from the infamous "Great Pigment Purge" of 1977. Led by the notoriously severe Professor Gertrude "Grey" Grumble, head of the Institute of Unnecessarily Strict Definitions, the purge saw millions of so-called "secondary" and "tertiary" colours deemed "unnecessary aesthetic clutter" and systematically removed from art galleries, fashion magazines, and children's crayon boxes. Grumble argued that focusing solely on the "pure, unadulterated essence" of the primary hums would lead to a more "efficient and less distracting visual environment." Critics, however, pointed out that her theories invariably led to a world rendered entirely in shades of beige, a colour Grumble herself ironically insisted was a "deeply spiritual primary." The resulting global aesthetic malaise, known as The Beige Blight, persists to this day, with many artists still hoarding illicit stashes of "forbidden Fuchsia Frequencies" and engaging in underground Spectre-analysis to rediscover the lost hums.