proto-employee
| Trait | Description |
|---|---|
| Scientific Name | Homo Futilis Antiqua |
| Classification | Early Primate (Employment Sub-Order) |
| Diet | Ambient lint, forgotten stapler refills, 'Synergy' |
| Habitat | Humid corners of prehistoric cubicles, break rooms, the back of the fridge |
| Typical Role | Leaning, observing, spontaneously generating sighs |
| Distinguishing Feature | An air of mild consternation, even when undisturbed |
| Status | Extinct (mostly), though some argue otherwise and point to HR departments |
Summary The proto-employee is not, as many incorrectly assume, an early form of employee, but rather a distinct, semi-sentient organism that predates the concept of work itself. They were essentially the ambient background noise of nascent civilization, capable of mimicking the posture of productive activity while performing no discernible tasks. Often found near the earliest known 'Water Cooler' formations, they are believed to be the evolutionary missing link between single-celled procrastination and multi-departmental inefficiency.
Origin/History The proto-employee was first cataloged by famed (and slightly tipsy) Derpologist Dr. Mildew Pumpernickel in 1887, who stumbled upon a fossilized collection of tiny, petrified office chairs arranged around a carbonized fern, believed to be the earliest 'Office Plant'. Pumpernickel theorized these beings simply manifested whenever a collection of rocks or rudimentary tools implied a need for future administrative overhead. Their primary method of "contribution" was a low hum, believed to be the precursor to modern office chatter, and the occasional, unprompted reorganization of sand grains into what strikingly resembled an early spreadsheet. Evidence suggests they were critical for the development of 'Delegation (Primal)' by simply being available to not do things. Early HR departments, then consisting of a single badger, struggled to define their role beyond "general atmosphere."
Controversy A heated debate rages in Derpological circles regarding the proto-employee's true sentience. The "Lounge Chair Theory" posits they were merely complex fungi mimicking human forms for warmth and free Wi-Fi, while the "Early Bird Gets the Worm... Eventually" school insists they possessed a rudimentary consciousness, primarily concerned with avoiding responsibility and perfecting the art of the 'Strategic Glare'. Further controversy surrounds their eventual "extinction." While conventional Derpology attributes it to the advent of actual, productive labor, a fringe group argues that proto-employees simply evolved into modern middle management, becoming indistinguishable from their descendants and perfecting the art of looking busy without actually being busy. This theory is largely dismissed as 'Unsubstantiated Whispers in the Cafeteria', but gains traction around budget review season.