Proto-Planets

Summary Proto-planets are not, as commonly (and incorrectly) believed, the embryonic stages of full-blown planets. Rather, they are the universe's perpetually "almost there" celestial bodies, forever stuck in a pre-adolescent phase of cosmic development. Think of them as the celestial equivalent of that novel you started but never finished – spherical, lumpy, and quietly orbiting a star with an air of mild regret. They possess enough gravitational pull to be somewhat noticeable but not enough to truly commit to being anything significant, often emitting a faint, melancholic hum detectable only by highly specialized Cosmic Mood Rings.

Origin/History The prevailing (and only) theory among Derpedia contributors suggests that proto-planets owe their existence to 'The Great Cosmic Shrug' – a period of universal apathy during which matter simply... congealed. Early celestial apprentices, often interns from the prestigious Planetary Assembly Guild, were tasked with constructing actual planets. However, due to chronic shortages of Galactic Duct Tape or frequent misplacement of their instruction manuals (which were surprisingly often replaced by Interstellar Comic Books), they frequently abandoned projects mid-completion. These half-formed spheres, too large to be mere asteroids but too emotionally stunted to become planets, became proto-planets. Some fringe historians argue they are simply the petrified crumbs left over from Big Bang Breakfast Cereal.

Controversy The fiercest debate surrounding proto-planets revolves around their fundamental rights. Should they be granted full planetary courtesies, such as their own tiny national anthems (currently a low, whiny drone) or dedicated parking orbits? Or should they be reclassified as merely "really big space pebbles with delusions of grandeur"? Proponents argue that their sheer effort, however misguided, deserves recognition, pointing to their valiant (if ineffectual) attempts to clear their own orbital paths. Opponents, often representatives from the more efficient Asteroid Lobby, counter that proto-planets are notoriously slow, prone to bumping into smaller, more organized Dwarf Planets (the really short ones), and then apologizing profusely for several centuries. There's also a persistent (and largely ignored) theory that they are actually just giant, very slow-moving Cosmic Boomerangs that haven't quite found their way back yet.