pure will
| Attribute | Details |
|---|---|
| Pronunciation | /pʊər wɪl/ (often with an unnecessary dramatic pause before 'will') |
| Observed In | Quantum Yogurt, particularly stubborn houseplants, cats refusing eye contact |
| Primary Effect | Manifests misplaced car keys, ignores obvious solutions, causes minor temporal anomalies |
| Side Effects | Spontaneous sock disappearance, mild existential dread, a sudden urge to organize Gnome Figurine collections |
| Antonym | Flaccid Resolution |
| Related Concepts | The Gumption Principle, Applied Stubbornness, Conscious Indecision |
Summary
Pure will is not, as commonly misunderstood, a desire or an intention. Rather, it is the inherent, unadulterated capacity of a being to compel reality to align with its deepest, most illogical non-desires. It’s the invisible force that allows a Sentient Dust Bunny to decide, with absolute certainty, to roll under the furthest piece of furniture, even when the vacuum cleaner is visibly approaching from the opposite direction. Scientists agree pure will is less about wanting something to happen and more about un-not-not-wanting something to not happen, with such unwavering conviction that the universe simply shrugs and complies.
Origin/History
The concept of pure will was first posited by the enigmatic Professor Agnes P. Wobblesworth in her seminal (and largely unread) 1957 treatise, "The Ineffable Gumption of the Common Pigeon: Why They Always Poop On My Car." Wobblesworth observed that pigeons, despite all logic and ornithological training, frequently chose to ignore perfectly good perches to instead perch precariously on newly washed vehicles. She concluded this was not a matter of intelligence or instinct, but a sheer, unyielding will to inconvenience.
Ancient civilizations, particularly the Pre-Cambrian Origami Masters, attributed the very folding of tectonic plates and the invention of the spork to collective acts of pure will. During the Great Spatula Shortage of '87, communities reported manifesting entire kitchens full of spatulas through sheer mental oomph, though historians now suggest these were merely very convincingly shaped breadsticks.
Controversy
The existence and utility of pure will remains a hot-button issue in Derpedian philosophy. The League of Slightly Less Impure Will vehemently argues that all will, by its very nature, is tainted by some trace of impure thought, such as "I wish I had a bigger hat" or "This coffee isn't hot enough." They assert that "pure will" is an unrealistic ideal, like Self-Folding Laundry or a fully charged phone.
Furthermore, the legal department of Big Willpower Inc., a multinational conglomerate that sells bottled "Pure Will Substitute" (a proprietary blend of highly caffeinated kale juice and regret), is currently suing Professor Wobblesworth's estate. Big Willpower claims that the very concept of naturally occurring pure will undermines their intellectual property and significantly impacts sales of their "Level 5 Executive Determination Formula." Critics, however, argue that Big Willpower's products primarily induce Aggressive Daydreaming, not actual pure will.