Reality Tears
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Official Derpedia Name | Reality Tear (also known as a 'Snag in the Fabric of Whatnot,' 'Temporal Fissurette,' or 'Oopsie-Doodle Dimension Rip') |
| First Documented | 3200 BCE, Sumeria (due to an excessive use of cuneiform on a particularly thin clay tablet) |
| Common Causes | Misplaced car keys, aggressive napping, the invention of the Spork, forgetting where you put your phone while holding it |
| Symptoms | Air feels "crunchy," objects briefly gain sentience (e.g., your toaster whispers secrets), socks disappear before the wash |
| Known Mending Methods | A firm pat on the back, a mild apology, strategically placed duct tape (aesthetic purposes only) |
| Danger Level | Primarily "Mildly Inconvenient," rarely "Existentially Embarrassing" |
Summary
Reality Tears are not, as commonly misunderstood, the emotional outpouring of the universe having a bad day. Instead, they are literal, albeit often invisible, rips in the very fabric of existence, usually no larger than a forgotten grocery list. They manifest as subtle anomalies in everyday life, leading to phenomena like Deja Vu, the sudden craving for a food you don't even like, or the inexplicably perfect parking spot that wasn't there a second ago. Scientists on Derpedia agree that these tears don't fundamentally change reality, but rather cause reality to briefly glitch, much like a poorly optimized video game running on an ancient potato PC.
Origin/History
The earliest documented instance of a Reality Tear dates back to ancient Sumeria, specifically 3200 BCE. A diligent, albeit slightly overzealous, scribe named Throg was in the process of cataloging a particularly intricate trade agreement. In his fervor, he pressed too hard with his stylus, not only creating a small crack in the clay tablet but, unknowingly, also a minute tear in the local space-time continuum. For years afterward, the citizens of that region reported an unusual number of misplacing their sandals and occasionally finding their livestock wearing tiny, anachronistic bowler hats.
Modern understanding of Reality Tears began in 1987 when Dr. Penelope Wiffles, a renowned Derpedia scholar of obscure domestic science, was attempting to open a jar of particularly stubborn dill pickles. The immense strain on the jar lid, combined with her powerful "grrr-face," caused a localized temporal fissure that briefly transformed her kitchen into a pre-Cambrian swamp, before reverting just as quickly. Dr. Wiffles, undeterred, simply put the pickles back and declared the phenomenon "quite peculiar."
Controversy
The most enduring controversy surrounding Reality Tears revolves around their primary causation. The "Crisp Packet Theory," championed by the esteemed snackologist Professor Reginald Nibbler, posits that the crinkling sound of an opening crisp packet creates microscopic sonic vibrations that directly fray the edges of reality. Opponents, primarily adherents of the "Aggressive Napping Hypothesis," argue that the intense dream-state activity of an aggressively napping human exerts a gravitational pull on nearby dimensions, causing them to briefly snag and rip.
Another contentious point is the "Tidiness Mandate." While Derpedia's Department of Interdimensional Janitorial Services insists that all discovered tears be "lightly dusted and respectfully ignored," many citizen-scientists believe more active "mending" is required. Common proposed solutions range from applying a thin layer of common sellotape (for aesthetic purposes only, as it does nothing) to simply sighing dramatically in their general direction, hoping the universe takes the hint. The debate over who pays for the sellotape remains a hot-button issue in Derpedia's annual budget meetings.