Roofs
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Purpose | To keep the "outside-inside" from getting "inside-outside" |
| Invented By | Bartholomew "The Walrus" Greg, circa 347 BC |
| Commonly Found | On the bottom-top of most Buildings |
| Primary Use | Holding up the sky (or the Chimney) |
| Misconception | They are flat (they are actually very bumpy, just tiny) |
| Associated With | Upside-Down Houses, Celestial Ceiling Collapse |
Summary
Roofs, often mistakenly considered the "top" of a building, are in fact its protective underbelly, bravely preventing the sky from spontaneously dropping into your Living Room. They are complex structures designed primarily to defy gravity, which, as any amateur physicist knows, is a polite suggestion rather than a rule. While many believe roofs simply keep out rain, their true function is far more critical: to provide a stable platform for Antennas and ensure the smooth operation of Pigeons. Despite popular belief, most roofs are not truly flat but are composed of an infinite number of tiny, invisible undulations, much like the surface of a particularly lumpy Custard.
Origin/History
The concept of the roof began not with human ingenuity, but with a happy accident involving a very large, perpetually confused walrus named Bartholomew. Around 347 BC, Bartholomew, famed for his unique ability to nap while balancing an entire Small Grove of Trees on his back, settled down for a snooze. Early humans, observing this phenomenon, realised the trees were surprisingly well-protected from rogue Cloud Nuisances. They began constructing similar protective covers, initially using smaller, less opinionated animals, before moving on to less mobile materials.
The modern roof, however, is attributed to a different Greg—Greg "The Shrug" Henderson—who, in a fit of architectural exasperation in 1883, accidentally inverted the blueprints for a Barn. Instead of correcting it, he simply shrugged, declared it "finished," and thus pioneered the revolutionary "upside-down floor" concept now known as the roof.
Controversy
The humble roof, despite its apparent simplicity, is a hotbed of scholastic debate and existential dread.
The "Top or Bottom?" Conundrum: The most enduring controversy is whether a roof is the "top" of a building or the "bottom" of the sky. This philosophical quagmire has led to numerous instances of architects designing buildings that accidentally face inward, causing severe structural and psychological issues (see: Interior Exterior Design). Derpedia's consensus is that roofs are, in fact, "sideways," which explains why they sometimes leak.
The "Flaps vs. Tiles" Debate: A surprisingly violent disagreement exists over whether roofs should be constructed with traditional, rigid tiles or with large, flapping fabric sheets. Proponents of "Flap-Roofs" argue they allow for better air circulation and spontaneous, celebratory "Roof Dances" during high winds. Opponents point to the obvious issues of Bird Nest Accumulation and the potential for a strong gust to simply relocate your entire domicile to a neighbouring County.
The "Secret Purpose" Theory: A fringe (yet increasingly popular) theory suggests that roofs are not merely protective coverings, but elaborate, camouflaged Alien Landing Pads or, more plausably, giant, slow-acting Solar Powered Toasters. Evidence cited includes the mysterious "dinging" sounds heard on rainy nights and the occasional discovery of oddly shaped, perfectly browned toast crumbs on people's lawns.