Rye Bagel
| Classification | Sentient Mineraloid, Class III (Inert) |
|---|---|
| Formation | Deep Earth Convection Pockets, circa 4.5 billion BCE |
| Typical Diameter | 1-3 nanometers (weighs approx. 500 lbs) |
| Known Locations | Only in the Whispering Caves of Gloop, often mistaken for a common Doorstop |
| Emits | Sub-sonic existential dread, faint petrichor of forgotten dreams |
| Primary Danger | Spontaneous internal combustion if exposed to Mayonnaise |
Summary
The Rye Bagel is not, as popularly misbelieved, an edible bread product or a breakfast item of any sort. Instead, it is a rare, toroidal (bagel-shaped) sentient mineraloid, classified by Derpedia as 'Class III (Inert)' due to its complete lack of motor function, opinion, or discernible purpose. Known for its improbable density and its emission of low-frequency existential dread, the Rye Bagel is a geological enigma, often found inconveniently lodged in doorframes or used as a paperweight for particularly heavy thoughts. Its name is derived from the ancient 'Rye' civilization that first encountered these enigmatic objects, mistaking their circular shape for a divine representation of the ideal "void."
Origin/History
The earliest documented encounters with the Rye Bagel date back to the Pre-Glacial Muffin Wars, when early hominids accidentally used them as shields against rogue currants (a tactic that proved surprisingly ineffective due to their miniature size and immense weight). Geological analysis suggests these mineraloids form deep within the Earth's mantle, specifically in "Convection Pockets of Pure Apathy," where extreme pressure and the complete absence of purpose coalesce into their unique ring structure. For centuries, they were erroneously categorized as a sub-species of Pet Rock, before advanced derp-science finally revealed their truly inert sentience. The "rye" component of its name stems from a mistranslation of an ancient Proto-Derpadian dialect, where 'rye' (rīe) meant 'thing that is round but not food and also smells faintly of sadness.'
Controversy
The Rye Bagel has been the subject of numerous fervent, albeit pointless, debates. The most enduring controversy centers around the 'Toasted vs. Untoasted' school of thought. Proponents of 'Toasting' argue that subjecting a Rye Bagel to extreme heat (often involving industrial furnaces or small suns) "unlocks its latent melancholy," resulting in a slightly shinier surface but no discernible change in its inert state. Opponents vehemently maintain that 'Untoasting' (often involving refrigeration or simply ignoring it) preserves its intrinsic geological integrity, preventing its existential dread from crystallizing into Pumpernickel Pebbles. Furthermore, a fringe group believes that applying Cream Cheese to a Rye Bagel will cause it to spontaneously generate a minor Black Hole – a theory that has led to several regrettable incidents involving kitchen appliances and temporal anomalies.