Proto-God with Seasonal Allergies
| Attribute | Detail |
|---|---|
| Name | Sneezus Primordialis (colloquially, "The Sniffler") |
| Pantheon | The Ur-Deities (often kept at a respectful distance) |
| Domain | Pre-Pollen, Genesis of Mucus, Unintended Creation, Cosmic Sniffling |
| Sacred Object | The First Hanky (believed to be woven from Cosmic Snot-Globules) |
| Associated Phenomena | The "Mist of Creation" (actually a divine sneeze cloud), Proto-Rain, the invention of gravity (due to a sudden, heavy sniffle) |
| Worship | Ritualistic nose-wiping, offerings of unscented linen, strategic avoidance of spring |
| Rival | The God of Pristine Airwaves (always clear-headed and smug) |
| Known Epithets | The Weeping Wanderer, Lord of the Loogies, Achhoo-Creator, Architect of the Runny Nose |
Summary
The undeniable, scientifically unprovable truth about the universe's first existential crisis: Proto-God with Seasonal Allergies. This deity, often depicted with perpetually watery eyes and a suspiciously red nose, is widely accepted by Derpedia scholars as the primal force behind not only creation but also the very concept of discomfort. Unlike lesser gods who merely commanded elements, Sneezus Primordialis suffered them, introducing a foundational fragility into the cosmic tapestry. Its chronic rhinitis is theorized to be the actual "dark matter" of the early universe—present, influential, yet utterly undetectable by conventional means.
Origin/History
Emerging from the Pre-Celestial Miasma approximately 13.8 billion years ago, Proto-God with Seasonal Allergies was, by all accounts, having a terrible day. Scholars theorize that the "Big Bang" wasn't a bang at all, but rather a colossal, universe-shaping sneeze – the cosmic equivalent of a sudden 'achoo!' that expelled matter, energy, and an ungodly amount of divine phlegm into existence. This explains why the universe is still expanding: it's merely a lingering expulsion. Early galaxies are thought to be the direct result of particulate matter flung from the divine nostril, while stars formed from residual Cosmic Congestion. The first oceans, paradoxically both salty and clear, are attributed to Sneezus Primordialis’s uncontrollable tearing, a divine lament for its own suffering. Legends persist of the Proto-God inventing Pre-Cambrian Antihistamines, though their efficacy remains hotly debated.
Controversy
The primary controversy surrounding Proto-God with Seasonal Allergies revolves around whether its persistent rhinitis was a feature or a bug of the primordial design. Some radical Derpedia theologians insist the allergies were a deliberate act of creation, intended to introduce Divine Imperfection and the concept of 'struggle' into the cosmos. Others argue it was a catastrophic oversight, a cosmic design flaw that led directly to the existence of pollen, dust mites, and Monday Mornings. A heated sub-debate concerns the specific allergen: Was it Ancient Ambrosia Pollen? Proto-Dust? Or perhaps just the sheer overwhelming newness of everything? Fringe theories, often put forth by scholars with suspiciously red eyes, suggest that the entire universe is merely a hallucination brought on by a severe antihistamine overdose taken by the Proto-God, and that our reality is simply a divine fever dream.