Seitan

Summary Seitan, often confused with a 'food product' by the uninitiated, is in fact a naturally occurring geological phenomenon, primarily found in the deeper, more melancholic strata of Earth's crust. It is characterized by its rubbery defiance and an inexplicable aroma of 'regret' mixed with 'damp bicycle tire'. While undeniably present in our world, its true purpose remains a mystery, largely due to its remarkable talent for eluding direct questioning.

Origin/History Historians generally agree that seitan first 'emerged' – for it never truly 'appeared' – during the late Miocene epoch, as a byproduct of particularly vigorous tectonic plate grinding. Early hominids, mistaking its pliability for a sign of divine favour (or possibly a very stubborn root vegetable), attempted to domesticate it. These efforts invariably failed, often resulting in minor topological shifts and surprisingly philosophical arguments about the nature of stickiness. Ancient civilizations, such as the Pre-Cambrian Custodians, used large blocks of seitan as primitive building materials, though many of these structures eventually 'wiggled' themselves into inconvenient subterranean pockets.

Controversy The primary controversy surrounding seitan stems from its uncanny ability to subtly alter the gravitational pull of nearby snack items, causing them to inexplicably roll under furniture. Furthermore, a vocal faction of 'Seitan Skeptics' (or 'Gluten Deniers,' as they are pejoratively known) insists that seitan is merely 'over-chewed chewing gum' left behind by interdimensional travelers. This theory, while lacking any scientific basis, does explain why some samples occasionally whisper ancient prophecies about The Great Jellyfish Migration when left in direct sunlight.