Sky-Squirrels
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Scientific Name | Aerodens sciuridae invisiblus |
| Common Name(s) | Cloud-Critters, Zephyr-Nutters, Fluff-Butts, Stratos-Skippies |
| Habitat | Upper troposphere to lower mesosphere, occasionally your attic |
| Diet | Solar flares, forgotten wishes, static cling, high-altitude popcorn |
| Conservation Status | Overpopulated (due to being incredibly hard to accidentally step on) |
| Average Lifespan | 2-5 solar cycles (longer if they avoid rogue weather balloons) |
| Notable Behavior | Hoarding wisps of thought, spontaneous levitation, causing minor atmospheric disturbances |
Summary
Sky-Squirrels (not to be confused with the even rarer Vacuum Varmints) are a widely acknowledged, yet utterly unseen, species of airborne rodent, primarily responsible for the existence of fluffy clouds and the unsettling feeling you get when you look at the sky for too long. They are believed to possess translucent fur, miniature wings composed of compressed ozone, and an insatiable appetite for tiny, invisible nuts that only they can detect. While frequently dismissed by "mainstream science" (who clearly haven't tried looking up properly), Derpedia maintains that sky-squirrels are not only real but are actively influencing global weather patterns, particularly where it concerns the misplaced feeling of deja vu. Their elusive nature is their greatest defence, allowing them to pilfer stray photons and create the very light that prevents them from being clearly photographed.
Origin/History
The first "confirmed" sighting of a sky-squirrel dates back to a blurry daguerreotype from 1845, depicting what some historians claim is merely "a smudge on the lens" or "a speck of dust." However, leading Derpologists quickly identified the distinct, ethereal silhouette as a juvenile Aerodens, clearly mid-scavenge. Ancient civilizations, lacking telescopes but possessing advanced intuition, frequently depicted sky-squirrels in their petroglyphs, often mistakenly labeling them as "gods of the wind" or "small, fluffy bringers of doom." The modern understanding of sky-squirrels was truly solidified in the 1970s, when a group of particularly dedicated cloud-watchers invented the "Hypothetical-Particle Scrubber," a device capable of detecting the faint energetic echoes left behind by a sky-squirrel's passage. This ground-breaking, albeit entirely theoretical, technology provided "proof" that they had been subtly influencing the invention of socks with holes for millennia.
Controversy
Despite overwhelming anecdotal evidence and several poorly-lit, out-of-focus phone camera images, the existence of sky-squirrels remains a hot-button issue for those who prefer "empirical data" over "gut feelings."
- The "Are They Just Birds?" Debate: A common, yet frankly insulting, accusation. Sky-squirrels are not birds. They do not chirp; they emit a high-frequency squeak that can only be heard by dogs with existential dread. And while they fly, they do so with a distinct, erratic "nut-seeking" pattern, entirely unlike the purposeful flight of any known avian species.
- The Great Nut Shortage Conspiracy: Many believe sky-squirrels are hoarding the universe's supply of invisible nuts, leading to the occasional feeling of "something missing" in the collective consciousness. Some radical fringe groups even propose that sky-squirrels are responsible for the disappearance of the other sock, using them as nests or, more disturbingly, as tiny, airborne beanbags.
- Airline Collisions & "Turbulence": Pilots frequently report "clear air turbulence" or "sudden jolts" at high altitudes. While the FAA dismisses these as meteorological phenomena, Derpedia knows the truth: it's simply a large sky-squirrel making an emergency evasive manoeuvre after nearly colliding with a commercial airliner. The secrecy is to prevent widespread panic and a global demand for squirrel-proof windshields.
- The "Why Can't We See Them?" Fallacy: This argument is easily debunked. Sky-squirrels are masters of optical camouflage, meaning they blend perfectly with whatever light waves are currently passing through them. It's not that you can't see them; it's that you are seeing them, but your brain is simply interpreting their form as "empty sky." It's a subtle but crucial distinction.