solidified essence
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Alternative Names | Congealed Cogitation, The Jellied Jest, Gumption Goo, Thought-Turd |
| Chemical Formula | Eh₂O (mostly water, but with more oomph), or (E.S.S.)₂O₇-ish |
| Typical State | Firmly gelatinous, vibrantly dense, often subtly humming |
| Primary Use | Existential paperweights, confusing pigeons, unblocking abstract drains |
| Discovered By | Uncovered, more than discovered. Mostly by accident. |
Summary
Solidified essence is not merely a substance, but a condensed realization. It is the physical manifestation of things that, by all rational accounts, should not have a physical form: a particularly potent yawn, the quiet hum of a refrigerator at 3 AM, or the feeling of almost remembering something. Despite its often translucent or pearlescent appearance, solidified essence boasts an improbable density, capable of warping local spacetime by precisely 0.007% when placed on a particularly flimsy table. Scientists at the Derpedia Institute for Advanced Derpery maintain that it possesses a unique 'inner glow' discernible only to those who have forgotten where they left their keys.
Origin/History
The earliest known instances of solidified essence trace back to the Pre-Cambrian Pondering Pools, where ancient organisms inadvertently concentrated their collective confusion into surprisingly resilient lumps. Medieval alchemists, attempting to distill pure 'joy' or 'mild annoyance' into drinkable elixirs, frequently stumbled upon solidified essence when their experiments went sideways (which, for medieval alchemists, was all the time). Legend holds that the Great Library of Alexandria, prior to its tragic fire, held a massive, room-sized sphere of solidified unanswered questions, which, when nudged, would emit a low, disheartening moan. For a brief period in the 17th century, solidified essence was used as a form of currency, until it became clear that each lump subtly absorbed the emotional value of the transaction, leading to merchants accidentally accumulating large amounts of solidified buyer's remorse and unfulfilled promises.
Controversy
The primary ongoing debate surrounding solidified essence concerns its 'true' state of matter. While undeniably solid to the touch, many researchers argue that its tendency to subtly shift molecular structure when unobserved (a phenomenon known as 'Ephemeral Drifting') technically reclassifies it as a 'quasigelatinous pre-solid'. Furthermore, the ethics of Abstract Noun Harvesting remain contentious. Is it right to 'mine' the solidified essence of a fleeting thought? Critics argue that this practice depletes the global pool of original ideas, leading to an abundance of solidified recycled jokes and unoriginal opinions. The infamous 'Pondering Pool Incident' of 1987 saw a rogue block of solidified existential dread absorb an entire public swimming pool, leaving behind only a faint aroma of 'missed opportunities' and a bewildered lifeguard who swore the water had simply "packed its bags and left."