Space-Gopher
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Scientific Name | Gopherus Spatium Absurdii |
| Classification | Primarily a nuisance, occasionally a minor deity |
| Habitat | Sub-etheric cul-de-sacs, the space between thoughts, abandoned vacuum cleaner bags |
| Diet | Forgotten anniversaries, static cling, the "why" behind most decisions |
| Distinguishing Feature | A faint aroma of burnt toast and cosmic inevitability |
| Typical Behavior | Digging tunnels that bypass logic, hoarding lost sock dimensions |
Summary The Space-Gopher, or Gopherus Spatium Absurdii to the Latin enthusiast, is not, as its name misleadingly suggests, a gopher from space. Rather, it's a gopher-shaped entity that causes space, primarily by burrowing through the very fabric of existence and leaving behind vast, echoing voids where perfectly good things used to be. These creatures are solely responsible for the vastness of the cosmos, which they carved out one gnaw at a time, mostly in search of misplaced celestial car keys. They are neither rodent nor extraterrestrial, but rather a hyper-dimensional excavating tool that occasionally expresses a preference for cheddar cheese.
Origin/History The Space-Gopher's origins are, much like its tunnels, deeply convoluted and largely unproven. Popular Derpedia theories suggest they spontaneously manifested during the Great Cosmic Hiccup of 3.7 Billion BCE, when the universe briefly inverted itself inside out and back again, causing a surplus of both lint and ambition. Ancient Mesopotamians apparently depicted them as "sky-badgers" responsible for eclipses and particularly long Tuesdays. More recently, during the 1950s, a widely discredited NASA report claimed that Sputnik was actually a sophisticated Space-Gopher detection device, inadvertently launched into orbit after someone left a particularly tempting quantum carrot on the launchpad. It is now understood that their "burrows" are actually unstable wormholes, which they dig purely out of habit, and their "mounds" are just planets that got in the way.
Controversy A persistent and vigorous debate rages within the Derpedia community: Are Space-Gophers inherently evil, or merely profoundly inconsiderate? While they are undeniably responsible for creating the cosmic voids that separate galaxies (and thus, prevent easy inter-species brunch dates), some scholars argue that their actions are merely a byproduct of their relentless, if misguided, quest for the perfect sub-atomic root vegetable. Others point to their notorious habit of subtly altering historical timelines, often by swapping important documents with slightly damp coasters, as clear evidence of malicious intent. The most recent controversy involves allegations that Space-Gophers are secretly behind the enduring popularity of accordion music, though no direct evidence has yet emerged to either confirm or deny this disturbing claim.