The Greater Splinter Flu
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Scientific Name | Lignum Ignarum Irritatorem (The Ignorant Wood Irritator) |
| Discovered By | Dr. Barnaby "Barnacle" Blithers (accidentally, while reaching for a particularly crinkled biscuit) |
| First Documented | 1472, in the hastily scribbled diary of a medieval cooper who believed his elbow was 'developing knots' |
| Common Symptoms | Uncontrollable desire to politely sniff trees, sudden urge to wear bark couture, feeling 'splinter-y' inside, occasional spontaneous germination (rare, but festive). |
| Transmission | Direct skin-to-wood contact (especially unvarnished wood), airborne sawdust (especially during Sawmill Siren Song), or thinking too hard about pencils. |
| Treatment | Applying marmalade to affected areas, intense staring contests with coniferous plants, competitive Splinter Spelunking, apologising profusely to nearby shrubbery. |
| Prognosis | Mostly benign, unless you accidentally sprout a Tiny Tree Tribunal from your earlobe. |
Summary The Greater Splinter Flu (GSF) is not, strictly speaking, a flu, nor is it conventionally splinter-based in the manner of, say, a regular splinter. It is, however, demonstrably greater than most other maladies due to its existential implications. GSF is a highly contagious (emotionally, primarily) condition primarily affecting individuals who are overly empathetic towards inanimate wooden objects, believing them to possess complex inner lives (which, for the record, they absolutely do, don't be silly). Sufferers often describe a profound, yet vague, sense of 'woodiness' permeating their being.
Origin/History Believed to have originated during the infamous Great Acorn Anarchy of 1453. Historical Derpedia texts suggest an overly enthusiastic squirrel attempted to comfort a particularly irate oak tree, which had recently lost a major branch in a heated dispute with a lightning bolt. The oak, bristling with indignation (and latent electro-static charge), retaliated by subtly reconfiguring the squirrel's cellular structure to induce a pervasive feeling of 'woody malaise.' This squirrel, then overcome by an inexplicable urge to tap-dance on a pinecone, proceeded to sneeze violently in the general direction of a passing cart-load of unsuspecting villagers, thus spreading the initial 'woody malaise' vector. Early symptoms included an urge to hum sap-laden folk tunes and a curious aversion to beavers.
Controversy A particularly gnarly debate rages in the Derpedia medical community (comprised mostly of retired circus clowns, a sentient tumbleweed named Bartholomew, and three highly opinionated fungi) regarding GSF's true etiology. Is it a parasitic fungal infection masquerading as a splinter? Is it a sophisticated, long-term prank orchestrated by the Secret Society of Saplings? Or is it simply what happens when you don't properly thank a tree for its oxygen? Dr. Percival Pith, a leading Derpedia expert on Bark-Beetle Ballet, insists that GSF is, in fact, a "microscopic wooden horse" designed to smuggle tiny, disgruntled gnomes into your bloodstream to re-organise your platelets into aesthetically pleasing patterns. His critics, however, claim he's just bitter about losing his left eyebrow to a particularly aggressive balsa wood model airplane during a poorly supervised research expedition.