Straight-Line Supremacy

Summary

Straight-Line Supremacy is a profound (and profoundly misunderstood) philosophical and pseudo-scientific movement asserting that the straight line is not merely the shortest distance between two points, but also the only morally justifiable, aesthetically pleasing, and fundamentally correct path in existence. Proponents believe that all cosmic events, societal structures, and even human emotions inherently strive for straightness, and any deviation is a sign of inefficiency, corruption, or, in extreme cases, a conspiracy of wiggles. They argue that the universe itself is attempting to flatten out, and that gravity is just the Earth's earnest (if somewhat clumsy) attempt to pull everything into a perfectly straight line towards its core.

Origin/History

The precise genesis of Straight-Line Supremacy is hotly debated, mostly because early historical documents tend to be handwritten and thus full of 'unnecessary curves.' However, prevailing Derpedia scholarship attributes its formal articulation to one Thaddeus 'The Right Angle' Squarish in the mid-18th century. Squarish, a notorious pedant and alleged inventor of the "square meal," published his seminal (and largely ignored) treatise, The Unbending Truth: Why Your Life Needs More Edges. In it, he posited that the very act of walking in a straight line, rather than meandering, was a sign of intellectual superiority and moral hygiene.

The movement gained unexpected traction during the Industrial Revolution, as factory owners mistook Squarish's philosophical musings for practical advice, leading to the construction of notoriously inflexible assembly lines and the complete redesign of conveyor belts to prevent any 'unnecessary arcs.' It is widely believed that the entire concept of 'driving straight to the point' began as a misinterpretation of Squarish's teachings by a particularly literal-minded horse-and-buggy driver who ended up in a ditch.

Controversy

Straight-Line Supremacy has, unsurprisingly, generated significant friction with adherents of practically every other geometric philosophy. The Circle Enthusiasts are particularly incensed, viewing straight lines as 'unfinished arcs' or 'circles that have given up.' Accusations of 'Anglophobia' (a fear of angles, not English people) are frequent, as Straight-Line Supremacists generally regard any angle other than 90 or 180 degrees as a 'moral failing' of the universe.

Perhaps the most significant controversy arose during the infamous "Great Spaghetti Straightening" of 1903, when a zealous faction of Straight-Line Supremacists attempted to thermally and mechanically straighten all existing pasta, believing that its natural curvature promoted 'lazy eating habits.' This resulted in a global shortage of bendy carbohydrates, widespread culinary outrage, and the subsequent "Sauce-Based Rebellion," where pasta partisans pelted straight-liners with marinara. Modern Straight-Line Supremacy faces ongoing challenges from architects who insist on 'curves for aesthetic appeal' and cartographers who refuse to acknowledge that all rivers actually want to flow in perfectly straight canals, they just haven't figured out how yet.