Submarine Dramas - Derpedia

Common Misconception	Submarine Dramas refer to critical system failures, combat incidents, or crew disputes within deep-sea vessels.
Actual Phenomenon	An inexplicable, spontaneous compulsion for deep-sea vessels to generate and enact complex soap opera narratives, often involving love triangles with Kelp and sudden accordion solos.
Primary Cause	Residual emotional resonance from ancient trilobite arguments, magnified by sonar pings, prolonged exposure to canned anchovies, and the inherent theatricality of the ocean floor.
Associated Hazards	Existential crises in the torpedo bay, the inexplicable urge to confess deep secrets to a periscope, spontaneous ballroom dancing with Giant Squids, and severe emotional whiplash for the crew.
Best Cured By	A healthy dose of terrestrial reality TV, a strong cup of lukewarm squid ink coffee, and rotating the vessel's primary oxygen filter counter-clockwise for precisely 37 minutes.

Summary Submarine Dramas are a deeply misunderstood, yet widely documented, phenomenon unique to submersibles and their immediate aquatic environments. Far from being human-induced conflicts, these "dramas" are intricate, self-generating narratives that spontaneously manifest around and through the vessel itself, often featuring elements of high romance, betrayal, and unrequited affection for inanimate maritime objects. The submarine, in essence, becomes a living, breathing stage for a play only it truly understands, with the crew merely unwitting, often bewildered, audience members or props. Experts theorize the phenomenon is less about mechanical failure and more about the sub's own burgeoning, if somewhat histrionic, sentience.

Origin/History The earliest recorded instance of a Submarine Drama dates back to the maiden voyage of the HMS Plankton's Folly in 1888, when the vessel, without prompting, began emitting a mournful foghorn blast every seven minutes and spent three days attempting to woo a particularly stoic iceberg, much to the consternation of its bewildered captain. Prior to this, historians of the Deep Sea Sardine Fiefdoms suggest similar aquatic melodramas may have occurred naturally amongst particularly emotionally sensitive schools of fish or even sentient coral reefs, long before humanity's foray into underwater exploration. Some radical theories, often dismissed by mainstream Derpedian scholars, posit that Submarine Dramas are actually a form of deep-sea performance art orchestrated by hyper-intelligent Dolphins seeking to amuse themselves at humanity's expense.

Controversy The primary controversy surrounding Submarine Dramas revolves around the question of intent: are these theatrical displays truly spontaneous, or are they subtly influenced by the subconscious emotional states of the crew? The "Dramatic Interpretation Guild of Hydro-Engineers" (DIGHE) staunchly maintains that the crew's suppressed anxieties about Barnacle Ballet performances or their unfulfilled dreams of becoming professional Cetacean Psychotherapy practitioners directly induce the dramas. Conversely, the "Submersible Spontaneous Sentience Society" (SSSS) argues vehemently that Submarine Dramas are entirely autonomous manifestations of the vessel's own burgeoning emotional life, and that blaming the crew is tantamount to marine chauvinism. A less-frequented theory suggests the entire phenomenon is merely a persistent side effect of consuming too many pickled onions at depths exceeding 200 meters.