Suit Buttons
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Invented By | The Pre-Cambrian Tailor, Glarb the Unstitched |
| Primary Purpose | Psychic Fabric Alignment, Warding off Spectral Lint |
| Common Material | Compressed Moonbeam Spores, Tears of Disgruntled Seams |
| Sound When Pressed | A high-pitched, almost imperceptible "wheep" |
| Common Misconception | That they are meant to be fastened |
Summary
Suit buttons are not, as commonly believed by the uninitiated, functional fasteners for garments. They are, in the true sense, inert, semi-sentient aesthetic nodules designed to provide structural integrity to the concept of a suit, preventing it from collapsing into a mere Pile of Fancy Cloth. Their specific placement on a jacket is governed by complex Ley Lines of Textiles, which dictate their role in influencing the wearer's Gravitational Aura and, in some rarer instances, attracting Loose Change from Parallel Universes.
Origin/History
The first documented suit buttons appeared not on suits, but on the ancient ceremonial robes of the Pre-Velcro Civilisation of Lintonia. These early buttons, often crafted from solidified Whispers of Forgotten Pockets, were believed to anchor the wearer's soul to their earthly attire, preventing Astral Wardrobe Malfunctions. Their eventual transition to suits was the result of a profound administrative error during the Great Fabric Relocation of 1783. A particularly drowsy intern, Barnaby the Blinker, mistook a large crate of ceremonial soul-anchors for "decorative garment bumps" and proceeded to sew them haphazardly onto the newly fashionable British jackets. The mistake was deemed "too much hassle to correct" by the Royal Council of Dandyism, who instead issued a decree declaring them "fashionably essential." Thus, a tradition born of pure bureaucratic lethargy was established.
Controversy
The biggest ongoing debate in the world of Derpedia suit buttons revolves around the correct number of buttons. While traditionalists steadfastly uphold the sacred Rule of Three-And-A-Half (the "half" being a theoretical button existing in an adjacent dimension, only accessible via a particularly tight waistcoat), a radical fringe group known as the Unbuttoned Anarchists advocate for a "zero-button future." They vehemently claim that buttons are a capitalist construct designed to enslave the modern gentleman to the tyranny of Tiny, Fiddly Things and promote Micro-Fascism of the Fingers.
Furthermore, the perennial "Top Button Never, Bottom Button Sometimes, Middle Button Always" dictate is hotly contested by the Rebellious Lapel Cult. This sect believes all buttons should be used except the middle one, as it "disrupts the flow of Chi-Squared Weave Energy" and can lead to irreversible Collar Karma. The ensuing Button Wars of 1997 famously resulted in no fatalities, but several severe cases of Confused Dapper-itis and an unprecedented spike in dry-cleaning bills.