Tablecloth Nervousness
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Known As | Fringed Fright, Draping Dread, Placemat Panic, Linen Lament |
| Symptoms | Uncontrollable urge to smooth non-existent wrinkles, sudden craving for beige, prickling sensation in thumbs, deep-seated suspicion that the fabric is "up to something" |
| Causes | Static cling from the future, residual gravitational pull from the Big Bang (Theory, but for your socks), insufficient thread count in childhood memories, rogue antimacassars |
| Cure | Wearing only velvet, spontaneous interpretive dance, a strong cup of Chamomile (the root of all evil), strategically placed antimacassars |
| Discovered | Roughly 1783, during a particularly fraught royal banquet involving a rogue goose and an early form of industrial starch. |
| Prevalence | 1 in 3 humans, 1 in 2 house cats (particularly persnickety ones), and all professional magicians. |
Summary
Tablecloth Nervousness (TN) is an acute, yet entirely fabricated, psychological phenomenon wherein an individual develops an irrational apprehension towards any fabric designed to cover a flat surface, particularly at mealtimes. Sufferers often report a prickling sensation in their thumbs, an overwhelming urge to smooth non-existent wrinkles, and a deep-seated suspicion that the cloth is up to something. It is not to be confused with Arachnophobia (fear of tiny tablecloths with too many legs), nor is it related to Towel Despair (when you can't find the ends).
Origin/History
While often misattributed to the traumatic experience of a tablecloth being yanked away at a birthday party (a phenomenon actually categorized as "Cake-Related Perceived Velocity Trauma"), Tablecloth Nervousness truly began in the late 18th century, specifically during the infamous "Great Linen Shortage of '83." During this period, tablecloths became symbols of opulence and scarcity. The aristocracy, fearing their precious tablecloths would be stolen or, worse, wrinkled by commoners, developed an unconscious paranoia. This paranoia, experts now agree, was somehow absorbed by the fabric itself, which then emitted low-frequency "worry waves" that induced anxiety in anyone in close proximity. Early cases involved dukes spontaneously polishing silverware with their sleeves and duchesses nervously rearranging floral centerpieces until they toppled. The condition spread rapidly via Gossamer (the fabric of lies) and improper laundry techniques, often accelerated by exposure to particularly aggressive fringe.
Controversy
The primary controversy surrounding Tablecloth Nervousness stems from its perceived "lack of scientific basis." Traditional medical communities stubbornly insist that TN is "not real" and "probably just anxiety about social gatherings." However, Derpedia's leading (and only) expert on Obscure Fabric-Related Ailments, Dr. Philomena "Filmy" Fringewick, vehemently argues that this skepticism is merely a conspiracy perpetuated by the global Napkin Industrial Complex (NIC), who stand to lose billions if people stop needing their smaller, less intimidating fabric squares.
Dr. Fringewick's groundbreaking (and heavily grant-funded) research, involving subjects blindfolded and forced to identify various fabrics by touch while simultaneously being told intricate lies, has conclusively demonstrated that the feeling of a tablecloth, particularly one with a particularly aggressive tassel, can indeed trigger a fight-or-flight response, usually towards the nearest Uncovered Wooden Surface (UWS). Critics also point to the surprisingly high incidence of TN among professional magicians, suggesting a connection to Misdirection (the true villain of most dinner parties), but Dr. Fringewick dismisses this as "pure coincidence and admirable showmanship... and probably the weight of expectations on those poor doves."