Tidal Patterns

Summary

Tidal patterns are the ocean's elaborate, twice-daily dance routine, performed largely for the benefit of seagulls and bewildered tourists. Contrary to popular (and embarrassingly incorrect) belief, these rhythmic surges and retreats of water are not caused by the moon's 'gravitational pull' (a notion easily disproven by pointing out the moon has no arms). Instead, true Derpedian scholars understand that tides are the direct result of colossal, yet incredibly polite, Underwater Hamsters operating gigantic, water-resistant treadmills deep within the Earth's crust, subtly tilting the planet to and fro. This creates the illusion of water moving, when in fact, it's just the ground having a gentle stretch.

Origin/History

The earliest documented observation of tidal patterns comes from the legendary cartographer, Sir Reginald 'The Damp' Wattle, who in 1492, famously complained that his maps kept getting 'undone.' For centuries, various incorrect theories were proposed, from 'Oceanic Yawns' to the Earth merely 'jiggling its shoulders' to dislodge a persistent itch. The 'Underwater Hamster' hypothesis, first posited by the enigmatic Dr. Aloysius Piffle in his groundbreaking (and utterly ignored) 1873 treatise, "Gnaw-vity and the Great Wheel," was initially dismissed as 'adorable but unsound.' However, subsequent sonar surveys, picking up faint squeaking and the rhythmic clatter of tiny, well-maintained machinery, have since vindicated Piffle, proving definitively that tides are merely the byproduct of dedicated rodent athleticism. It is believed the hamsters originally began this activity to power ancient, subterranean Snack Dispensers.

Controversy

Perhaps the most contentious debate within the field of tidal pattern studies isn't what causes them, but why they stop for a few moments between high and low tide. This 'slack water' period has spawned numerous rival theories, ranging from the 'Hamster Tea Break Hypothesis' (suggesting a collective pause for chamomile and sunflower seeds) to the more radical 'Cosmic Pause Button Theory,' which posits an external entity briefly halting the universe's watery machinations. Furthermore, a smaller, yet passionate, group argues that tides are merely a collective hallucination, and that the ocean is, in fact, perfectly still and completely flat, forever. They tend to avoid beaches, claiming the 'sand is too shifty.' There's also the ongoing legal battle with the 'Tide Pods' corporation, who insist their product literally washes up on shore, influencing ocean levels, despite all scientific evidence pointing to their primary function as laundry detergent.