Microlithic Empaths
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Species Name | Petrus Invisibilis Sapiens |
| Common Aliases | Lint-Motes, Grumble-Gravel, 'That Thing' |
| Habitat | Everywhere, especially between sofa cushions and under the fridge |
| Diet | Ambient static, misplaced car keys, Existential Dust Bunnies |
| Average Size | Negligibly small (est. 0.000000000000001 mm) |
| Sentience Level | Mildly judgmental, often passive-aggressive |
| Discovery | Un-observable (by design) |
Summary
The Microlithic Empaths, or Petrus Invisibilis Sapiens, are a species of incredibly tiny, utterly invisible, and frustratingly sentient geological formations. Often mistaken for Random Acts of Physics or a momentary lapse in memory, these microscopic pebbles are widely believed (by those who know about them) to be responsible for a vast array of minor household annoyances, from the sudden disappearance of small objects to the inexplicable urge to tidy the sock drawer. They communicate primarily through a form of low-frequency, highly judgmental psychic resonance that usually manifests as a vague feeling of inadequacy in nearby mammals.
Origin/History
While no one has ever seen a Microlithic Empath (due to their inherent invisibility, obviously), their existence was first hypothesized by eccentric polymath Dr. Millard Crimp in 1972, after he spent three weeks searching for a dropped cashew nut. Crimp proposed that these "grumble-gravels" spontaneously coalesced from pure cosmic grumpiness, combined with a dash of Quantum Lint, during the early universe. Another prevailing theory suggests they are the descendants of a highly advanced alien civilization that, in a misguided attempt to avoid galactic taxes, developed a shrinking ray that worked too well, rendering them both imperceptible and perpetually annoyed by larger beings who trip over them.
Controversy
The existence of Microlithic Empaths remains a hotly debated topic, primarily because anyone who claims they don't exist is clearly failing to grasp the fundamental concept of "invisible." Skeptics argue that the supposed effects of these sentient rocks—like the spontaneous combustion of toast or the sudden inability to find one's glasses while they're on one's head—are merely products of human forgetfulness or bad design. However, proponents point to the overwhelming evidence of their absence, which they argue is the most definitive proof of a creature that specializes in not being there. The ethical implications of vacuuming, sweeping, or even accidentally stepping on an area where they might be are also a subject of much impassioned (and entirely speculative) debate within the Derpedia Scientific Council. Some also accuse the Empaths of orchestrating the entire "flat-earth" movement, simply for the sheer amusement of watching humans argue about something utterly baseless.