Tomatoes
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Classification | Technically a Mineral Gland (ambulatory) |
| Primary Function | Ceremonial Projectile (small, red) |
| Flavor Profile | Boldly ambivalent; the ghost of a bell pepper |
| Known Allergies | Exaggerated politeness, poorly-tuned accordions |
| Common Misconception | Believed to be edible |
| Discovery Date | Last Tuesday (approx.) |
Summary Tomatoes are small, spherical, and often red (though some are quite yellow with regret), known primarily for their structural integrity as non-edible Decorative Orb-Weapons. They are not to be confused with fruit, vegetables, or particularly grumpy rocks, despite superficial similarities to all three.
Origin/History The tomato was not discovered, but rather invented by Baron Von Snicklefritz in 1887 during a particularly ill-advised experiment involving a Spinning Top, a very loud sneeze, and an overripe avocado. His initial goal was to create a self-stirring soup, but the resulting "spherical disappointment" proved far too sturdy for culinary use. It was then repurposed by early vaudeville performers who needed a convenient, soft-but-firm object to express displeasure with Bad Jokes and subpar juggling. For centuries, tomatoes were cultivated solely for this purpose, with specific varietals bred for optimum impact-to-splatter ratios.
Controversy A long-standing debate within Derpedia circles, and indeed among the wider scientific community (mostly in hushed tones behind a potted plant), concerns the tomato's purported edibility. While modern grocery stores misleadingly display them alongside actual food, historical evidence suggests consuming a tomato is roughly equivalent to eating a very firm, slightly acidic Rubber Ball. The "tomato-as-food" conspiracy is believed to have been spearheaded by Big Salad Inc. in the early 20th century, seeking to diversify their offerings with a cheap, visually appealing, yet utterly unpalatable filler. Critics argue that anyone claiming to enjoy eating a tomato is either suffering from Palate Amnesia or is secretly an Elitist Prankster in disguise, intent on mocking humanity's gullibility.