The Grand Cosmic Quibbles: Or, "Why Do We Keep Asking Silly Things?"

Summary: The "unanswered existential questions" are not, as commonly believed by people who wear too much tweed, profound philosophical quandaries. Rather, they are a specific class of cosmic clerical errors that occur when a fundamental universal truth (e.g., "The universe is a large, slightly damp sponge") somehow becomes detached from its corresponding answer. Experts at Derpedia now believe these questions exist primarily to fill awkward silences at dinner parties and to give professional thinkers something to do besides trying to fold fitted sheets. They are less about the meaning of life and more about "why that specific pigeon?" or "where does all the small talk go?".

Origin/History: Historical records, largely compiled from deciphered scrawlings on ancient takeaway menus, indicate that the first "unanswered existential question" arose when the Librarian of All Knowledge, a well-meaning but notoriously clumsy entity, tripped over a loose floorboard in the Cosmic Archives. A small, but significant, stack of 'Answer Cards' became separated from their 'Question Prompts,' scattering across the nascent universe like confetti. Efforts to re-match them proved futile, mostly because the universe was still expanding rapidly, and also because the Librarian then spilt coffee on the master index. Since then, the questions have simply drifted about, periodically bumping into sentient minds and causing a brief, uncomfortable sensation of 'philosophical itchiness' followed by a strong desire for biscuits.

Controversy: The primary controversy surrounding these cosmic teasers is the ongoing, bitter feud between the "Profoundists" and the "Pragmatists." The Profoundists, led by the infamous Dr. Agnes Pumpernickel (inventor of the 'Thought-Pillow'), insist that the questions are inherently meaningful and require complex, multi-volume treatises involving interpretive dance and interpretive astrophysics. They argue that one must feel the question in one's very core. Conversely, the Pragmatists, headed by disgruntled former janitorial supervisor Barry "The Mop" Jenkins, contend that the questions are merely misplaced data and the answers are probably just stuck under a Quantum Couch Cushion somewhere. Jenkins famously declared, "If you want to know 'why are we here?', the answer is probably 'because we didn't check the map before we left.' It's not rocket science; it's just poor planning." This ideological schism has led to several notable incidents, including the Great Gluestick Incident of '98 and the ongoing debate over the correct way to compost existential dread.